Happy Anniversary - The Ultimate Gift!

Its January 28th, 2022, 9:20 AM. 

This time last year I was watching my house slowly empty out. Moving day from my little house in Decatur. What a long day that was, and what a year its been. Another New Year reset? Possibly. I certainly could use one. 

It took me so long to get settled here, and for months I really thought Id made a huge mistake, but now I don't. I cant take it back anyway, and even though nothing has been "normal" all year, I think I can finally say I am settled and happy with my surroundings and the routine mom and I have developed at least for the most part. I do miss my time alone. Even though in this big place I have plenty of space to be by myself, if you've ever lived by yourself you know its not the same. In my little house Id come in from work on a hot day, strip in the kitchen (where the washer and dryer were) and walk through the house naked. I miss stuff like that. 

I miss going into my little office with the huge window that overlooked the big back yard and getting my day started. I miss going into that same room at night sometimes, closing the doors and playing music so loud my ears rang. I miss being able to watch things on TV that had bad language or loud sex scenes without having to turn down the volume. I miss being loud during sex...not that that's been an issue for a while regardless of location. 

Yeah, there are lots of things I miss, but I have other good things that have replaced them. I have always loved this house, and lets face it, its a nice place to live. Also, with my finances being in the toilet its a damn good thing I had this place to go to. There are other good things too. My life is not being lived just for me anymore. Its being lived for my mom too, and the fact that I get to spend this time with her makes me truly happy inside. I know its going to be up and down, and there are still adjustments to be made, but the more I can focus on the HAPPY the better off I'm going to be. 

Did I just say HAPPY? Yes!! I feel good this morning inside. I'm not sure why exactly because physically I'm actually sick. 

I guess I gave myself an anniversary present early because I finally got it. COVID! Yes all these months...um years.. trying to avoid it like the Plague (is it funny that I can say that and it literally be true?) and it finally got me. I'm actually relieved, and feel lucky as well. I'm sick, but not horribly sick, and since I was able to avoid it for so long I feel like I dodged the bullet of the real nasty version that was, and is, still killing people. 

I think I got it at pinball. The first time going back since my fall was last Tuesday a week and a half ago. 3 other ladies had symptoms that they told me about over chat after I told them Id tested positive. I think they thought the same thing I did, that it wasn't Covid because of the symptoms. I haven't lost my sense of smell or taste (of course it wouldn't affect anything that might make me eat less!!) and I've never had fever. 

I hear there is another variant already spreading in Europe which means its likely here too. I hope that this episode will give us (if mom tests positive) the defense that will get us through to some kind of heard immunity. Its got to happen eventually.

In other news, my oldest sister is in the hospital. She should go home today I hope but I'm fearful of the news that she's going to get from her Dr. 

Beth has Crones, and liver disease. She was told in May of 2019 that she needed to stop drinking ASAP, and she just never has. I know in 2020 it was over the top. I still lived 5 houses away from her then and saw it with my own eyes. Sometimes over the years Id walk up there and she'd be just passed out in her chair in the den at 11:00 AM from drinking since she woke up. She looks different that she used to, and she acts different. Beth and I were best friends for years, and while I know that me getting away from that co-dependent friendship 10 years ago was a game changer for me in my own life in a good way, I still miss her. She is my sister and I love her, and I'm so worried sometimes that we are going to have to bury her, but she, like all of us, has to be the one to make changes. 

On that note, I made a decision last night to block R from my phone. After several days of not communicating, then having a day or 2 of back and forth that was not nice, I finally texted him and told him that I just needed time away and that I was sorry for being so difficult to deal with. I guess I chickened out of just flat out telling him its over for good. I thought that would chill him out long enough for me to go to phase 2, get him his stuff back (still in my car) and tell him I wanted to stop for good. It didn't. He's gone back to his thing when he wants to make it all go away where he texts me very supportive things and is very sweet. In the past, I have been swayed by this, thinking that if this lasts we can move forward, but eventually...not even very long in...it always reverts back to the normal grind and I end up being unsatisfied and unhappy. 

He made a mistake last night though. First, he asked me how I was feeling, then followed up with telling me that he wished he'd been with me when I got it so we both could have had it at the same time. I told him that he would have just gone home to his house and spread it to his kids. He then said that he would have been "happy to be quarantined with me" which immediately made me irritated, because I knew it wasn't true. 

Over the past 2 years no less than 3 times he thought he had it. Two of those times he found out about being exposed while he was with me here, and once at the old house. All 3 times he decided it was best for him to go home, (even though I reasoned with him that if he had not been he was better off staying, and if he had been, Id surely been exposed through him already) so he could be amongst his things to quarantine. This time would have been no different and him saying that just made me mad.

When I got quiet after that he tried a different angle. I told him the other day about Beth being in the hospital and he asked about her. I told him she had had to get fluid drained from her abdomen. Almost 4 liters. Mind you, he doesn't like her or her husband and while I know he wouldn't be a jerk about her being sick, I still think it was just an excuse to talk to me. So when he sent me an article about her condition (cirrhosis - and the draining of the abdomen being a serious side effect of a person that is way far gone) I instantly got mad. I know what it is, and had already experienced it with my dad 6 months before he died. I told him that, and also that I didn't think it was OK for him to be commenting on her seeing how he didn't like her. I think he got a little irritated and made a curt response, followed up quickly by "I'm sorry". 

I decided right then that blocking him is the only answer for now. Its weird too, because after I did it, I felt guilty, like I was being mean or something. I was trying to deal with it another way. I wanted to be nice and still text with him now and then, but with him constantly texting me I will never be able to get him out of my head. He is trying to make this just go away so we can stay together without fixing anything, and I'm trying to get past it because I no longer believe it can be fixed. 

Last night when I went to bed I was thinking about what I had been doing the year before. The night before the move was stressful of course. I remember being upset with him because he came over late to help me pack up the last of my things (he had not helped me move a single thing up to that point and Id been packing stuff and moving things for over a month) and when he got there informed me that he almost didn't come at all. Then proceeded to sit down and chill while I was continuing my back breaking work. When he said he was hungry I stopped long enough to order food...something that he totally could have done but again, didn't, and finally got finished with his belated help by around midnight. 

Don't get me wrong I am grateful, in spite of what he thinks, for every moment of help he has given me. I know every little detail of the helpful moments he has given me...well...US. In fact I could list them. Trust me, he has never let me forget it. Important things none the less, and again I'm grateful for all of them, but I really hope if I am ever lucky enough to experience love again that I will have more of a balance when it comes to deeds of service. I want to feel like for once I'm getting as much as I give, and NOT be made to feel like I have to grovel at his feet in gratefulness over every one. I want those things to happen because the person I'm with WANTS to do them, and doesn't have to be asked. 

I know its not a perfect world, and that every relationship, even my mom and dads who I idolized as what a relationship should be, had moments of anger, irritation, even exasperation with each other over some chore or another, but I also know that they worked together with almost everything.

 A true partnership. That's what I want and I'm not going to settle for anything less from here on out. 

I will have to cut the cord soon as I know this is not the way to handle things long term. I don't want to be mean to him or hurt him any more than he's going to be, but I need a little distance in order to gain that strength before I can do it. 

I guess the gift of Covid through quarantine is giving me that time and space. A little anyway. I have a hair appointment next Tuesday and if I'm able to keep it, I plan to ask him to meet me in Decatur at the place where we first met in person, MPB. There I will tell him to his face that its over, give him his things and say goodbye. God my heart hurts just writing it out. Ok enough. 

I woke up in a good mood so I want to feed that beast instead of the sad monster. On this anniversary of my new life in a new home, I'm going to do some things today that are positive, and start to build on that foundation.

Wish me luck!

Back to the Black

 Sometimes I don't know why I even get up in the morning. 

That last post yet again was full of hope, but anyone can see underneath is a train wreck. 

The night was fun with Anne and Vic, but R was weird a few times and even though Id said that we "connected " the night before it was pretty much ruined by the way he acted the next morning. 

R left pretty early on Tuesday. Not surprising, and totally fine. That night, after thinking about it non stop all day, I told him that I thought I needed a couple of weeks to myself to get my schedule and routine back on track. He didn't take it well. I even told him it didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to him at all, I just needed to not have the weekend interruptions of sleep and whatever else. 

The next day I thought about it again. Maybe I panicked, I'm not sure, but I told him I was sorry and should have talked to him about it first, and that I didn't really want to not see him but that I could understand if he was pissed so I left the ball in his court to decide if he wanted to come over. 

I initiated texts and got short responses if any at all, and by the first part of this past week I was just over it. Id also gotten some pretty devastating news about my back after seeing a Dr, and tried to text him about it but he wasn't even curious enough about it to ask me what was wrong. This made me mad. REALLY mad. So when he asked me to play Diablo with him one evening last week, and I begrudgingly did, I recognized the problem I was having. Anger, frustration, and just plan disappointment is what I feel when I talk to him. 

Why am I angry? Am I angry at him? Is this just me being unreasonable yet again according to him? 

I'm angry...not with R but with myself, and no, its not unreasonable, its a cry for help that I have got to listen to from my very soul. Its telling me to get out. Its telling me this is not working, has NEVER worked, and never will. Its telling me that ever since I met this man in 2019 my life has been on a slow decline of self esteem, work ethic, self care, and self confidence. 

There's a lot of "self" in that I get it. Is that SELFISH? Maybe so, but I'm at the point where I need a life raft badly and no one is going to throw me one so I have to save myself. 

The last 2 years especially with the pandemic, moving, my work drifting away, my friends being mostly absent (just living their own lives, not in a bad way), and now having the new year come in the way it has with sad news and new physical and mental issues, has been way way too much. With all that heaped on top of an already struggling relationship, I just cant anymore. I must save myself. 

I MUST be selfish.

I did give this a lot of thought. I even talked to my mom about it, which I didn't really want to do but she lives here too so its really only fair to get her real opinion of R. Turns out she's not really a fan. She doesn't NOT like him, its more the way he treats me, she said. 

She told me the fact that he's never introduced me to his family makes her think that he's ashamed of me, and I said , "you know what? That's how it makes me feel too." That was really it. That feeling I've had from the beginning that this is somehow a sham, or that I'm being manipulated to bend to the way he wants things to be. Maybe all of that is just my general mistrust of people, but after almost 3 years, I should trust him, and the bottom line is, I don't. 

My hesitation on ending it permanently is the same as its always been, especially since moving up here. I'm sliding into 52, I live with my mom, and at the moment I'm not even working, AND now to boot I've got to deal with potential back surgery and god knows what else. So yeah, I fear...REALLY fear that if I break it off with him Ill be alone the rest of my life. Its a real, and valid fear. What about the way you feel about him you ask? Well that's difficult too, because I really do care for him. Love him even in some ways, but I default to the thought that we were never meant to be more than friends. 

Our personal relations are just bad. There's no other way to say it, and even after this last attempt in the fall to talk to him about it, and work on it, at the first opportunity it went right back to his old way of doing things, or NOT doing things I should say. 

So on Wednesday, when I texted him asking if he'd made any decisions about coming over he said he was playing by my rules, yet again, putting it off on me, and I snapped. 

Did he just IGNORE the part where I said I was sorry and that I really didn't want to be without him and was leaving it up to him? No, he was just punishing me. I'm sure I did hurt him. I'm sure he is tired of all this, and I am too, but when we did finally talk about my new back issues, he said he would be here for me, and I thought to myself..."you mean like you were when I broke my elbows?" Because he wasn't, at all. Not until it was convenient for him to be here. 

One of the things that happened that Monday night when Anne and Vic were here was me having these thoughts after Vic told us about how when Anne fell at work and she called him he couldn't get there fast enough. Since my accident, I have thought many times about how after I managed to get back to my car, and called him, that I asked him...begged him really...to come help me, and is response was, "I'm an hour away". So in horrible pain, and crying I managed to drive myself home then spent the next 6 hours in the ER with my 82 year old mom, who had absolutely no business being there especially with the Covid risk. Hell, he didn't even call me, or even text me. I had to text him and let him know what was going on. Then the next 2 days were the absolute worst trying to figure out how to even wipe my own ass, but he didn't come until Friday afternoon...just like usual. That was also the weekend that I just cried in frustration because his lazy ass just sat there while I tried to prepare dinner and clean up. 

So when I thought about all this, and the new issues at hand, and the way he was punishing me...kicking me when I am down really is more accurate, I snapped.

Oh I've snapped before, but this time was different. I didn't blame him, I didn't tell him what a jerk he was being. I texted him back and told him he was right, I was the problem, not him. I told him I was sorry that he had wasted all this time with me, and this was all my fault, 100%.  He told me I was being an ass hole and a few other really not nice things. I didn't respond. 2 days later when i was on line playing Diablo, he texted me that he would join me. I simply sent him back the texts he had sent me. His response? "I guess I could have worded that differently." Not Sorry...so basically just a different way of saying Fuck You? No thanks. 

Then next morning I packed up all his things and they are currently residing in my car. I haven't heard from him since that last text and I haven't reached out. Truthfully it hurts my heart to think this is really the end. I care for him like I said, I even have love for him and I honestly cant imagine him out of my life. Hell, I have spent 3 years with the man, but I have to remind myself that its been a very hard 3 years and my life is a mess partially because of it. I'm not blaming him for my messes, I am simply realizing that I have a lot of things to fix within myself, both physical and mental, and I don't have room for it anymore. Its too much. Its taken over and the other things have been sorely neglected. The last 2 weeks without him I have been sad, but I'm almost relieved too. I have only myself to be accountable for, and I have only myself to blame if I fail at what looks' to be a very hard road ahead. 

If I thought for a second that I really could fix this between us Id never stop trying, but its been the same thing over and over and its getting worse instead of better. Meanwhile I'm 3 year older, 25 lbs heavier and facing so much stuff with my body that I cant even get my head around it. If he stayed, he would be here for me, but only on the weekends when its convenient for him. He'd still be living a different life until HE is ready to change that, and Ill just keep going down hill and by the time he decides he done with me...or me with him... Ill just be a shell of a human being. I just CANT.

Now I have to figure out how to tell him, and get his stuff back to him, and NOT to go back on it. I've done this so many times its almost a joke at this point, and I'm sure he will feel the same way too. I wish he would just be the one to do it. Id be more than happy for him to think he's the one that walked away. At least that way it would just be over, and no weak moments I may have in the future would mess it up. Maybe he's as sick of it as I am and it wont be bad after all. I hope so for both our sakes.

I am grateful for the time...the good parts, because there were good parts...that I had with R, but its way past time to be over. I wish we could be friends because I know that will be the worst of it for me. I already feel isolated here and that on top of it will be very difficult indeed, but I have to do this for myself. 

I fear I will be alone forever. I fear that I will deeply regret doing this because what if it really IS ME? What if this whole time its been me that has the relationship issues? I think about that all the time. I have to wonder though, are these thoughts about myself engrained in me because of this relationship and the other one...which for all purposes was very similar. I found out after chasing that one for 4 years that it absolutely was NOT me. I just reminded myself of that and it makes me feel like I'm making the right decision all the more.

 I also think about how this has still not ever been like any "real" relationship I've even seen with other people. 3 years in we are still living separate lives. That's never been what I want, and I truly believe that R would be happy doing this forever, or until his "kids" all leave him and he is finally alone. Ironically, if he told me he wanted to move in tomorrow Id say NO. Why? Because I still feel like I don't know him. How can I when I've been separated from his real, main life? I cant, and I've tried to get this across to him for so long its not even worth repeating. 

So here it is. Dead in the water. Ill have to do something soon, if only to get his crap out of my car because I don't want him or his stuff to ever come into this house again, unless over time we are able to gain a friendship and be OK with just that. I know I can hope for that but I seriously doubt that will happen. Maybe its for the best. 

Monday Funday!

 Well the weekend actually turned a corner and ended up being really good. 

After what I would call a very confusing and rocky start R and I finally connected Saturday night and as of right now things are good. I guess that's the way it goes. Ups and downs. I do feel like the core issues we have are never REALLY addressed, but we seem to work around them each time they rear up. 

Is this because neither of us wants to start over again with someone else? Or is it because we do really love each other and want to work things out no matter the cost? I really don't know at this point, but I'm willing to keep on trying - DOING- whatever, Yoda!!! The one thing that's making this harder is that I'm trying so hard to be positive, but R can suck the positive right out of the room. No on purpose, he just fills his mind with politics, news and other very negative things then wants to share them. I don't think he realizes just how much I HAVE to be away from all of that for a while. That was part of the issues over the weekend, which I eventually just chose to ignore rather than respond to. Its work, but its working.

Moving on- Today we get 2 very special visitors! Anne and Vic are coming up from Decatur! It sounds like they live in a different state and the way things have been they might as well be because she's been here since the beginning of November and Vic got here after Thanksgiving and I've only seen her the one time. Not her fault or mine, just the way its been, plus add in my injury and the fact that I'm not supposed to be driving and there you have it. So today will be a special Monday Funday!!!

Anne is really one of my favorite people on earth. I know I've written about her over the years and how inspiring she can be, but its worth saying again. She got here and took ATL by the horns getting a job ASAP and has been working towards her goals already. I thought she would at least take a breath but that's not her style, which as usual, is very inspiring!

I'm focusing on the positive so I will give myself credit for taking the FAA UPE practice test last week and getting a decent score. At least I know the areas I need to study more. 

I had one person - ONLY one - from my former group of clients contact me about work this year, and of course I had to say no because of my elbows. What was strange was that when I told him what had happened in the email, he didn't respond at all. No "wow I'm so sorry that happened" or anything. I wasn't looking for sympathy, its more that I feel like pretty much all of my old clients have moved on to other photographers. 

My whole plan was to go to new places up here in December, although I still don't have any cards to even leave or any promotional material. God I have a lot of work to do. 

I want to be more like Anne in the way she just DOES it. No fear, no hesitation. The reason (or at least the one I tell myself) that I have never gone to new real estate offices up here yet is because I wanted to have new services to offer, like the video and drone stuff. I haven't made progress in those areas so instead of getting some work I got no work. Perhaps the elbows is a blessing in disguise. Making me reevaluate the things I need to do and get to work on them. That and Iden passing. 

As I type this the negative thoughts are creeping in. That all too familiar voice telling me that I've wasted a whole year, that no one is going to want my services since I don't offer those other things. 

Its really hard to shake that demon in my head. Its gotten quite comfortable up there, but I'm cleaning house. Fear is my enemy, and today I am choosing NOT to fear. My demon is telling me that I need to be worried about the interaction between R and my friends coming up. I'm telling it to shut up, and that it will be fine. I hate that I feel like I have to worry about that with R and other people. I need to have more faith in him. I know he's been trying for a long time to get better with social situations, and my hope is that he and Vic really bond. 

Anyway, I'm off to get on the bike again. I did 6 days last week and going for the same this week. 

Another 1%!!

Working on It

 I'm trying. I really am.

This week has been good and bad. Had another fight with R. Its useless to go into the details because they are the same. 

I also found out that my fractures are another 8 weeks away from being healed. I really didn't expect that at all. 

The good part was that I was accountable every day and also did the bike every day. That was my goal and I am achieving it.

1%

My happiness is being tested this weekend but I'm trying to work on it. 

Do or Do Not, there is no TRY!

New Years Eve 2021 - The day Betty White died...and Iden

Wow Betty White !  I just heard the news. I know she was old but wow what an icon. 

That just about tops it for me. I've been absent because my plans for a good December  / rest of the year were suddenly snatched away from me on December 8th when I fell walking into the place I play pinball and fractured BOTH elbows.   

That first part of my New Years post was written around 3:00 PM on New Years Eve. I was stopped in the middle of that because I got the news that Iden McWhorter, a friend and long ago co-worker at RJCo was found dead at his moms house in Florida the day before. No explanation. No one knows what happened yet.

Iden was a guy that I adored. I had a huge crush on him when I worked at Bobbys, and years later, in 2018, Bobby actually tried to fix us up. It failed but I got a friend out of it instead, which was better. Iden is...was... the only person in the world that shared the freakish love of Legos I have. He also liked weird music. Some I liked, some not so much. He was obsessed with Wide Spread Panic. He admired the street art of Banksy. He took me to The Atlanta Brick Company once, and I knew that day we had a friendship like no other I have. 

We were in touch over the summer, and in December talked about getting together in January to go through his massive Lego collection to find pieces for several builds I have parts lists for. Now I sit looking at the little pile Id made and put aside, waiting for January to get the rest of the pieces, and I don’t want to put them together anymore.

I just can’t believe he’s gone.

I thought when I started to write this post that hearing about Betty White was sad, but this….it’s just too much.

Today is January 3^rd. The other day I was going to write about my unhappy end to my year, but at least I got one. Iden will never see 2022. Iden won’t get another shot at losing weight, or getting work back on track, or fixing a fucked up relationship.

Iden is dead.

I have cried daily about him, and about myself. I’ve made myself miserable, and the broken elbows at the end of the year just made it all worse. Unable to exercise ( not that Id been breaking any records or anything) along with drinking and overeating daily I’ve gained weight and now have over 40 lbs to get off instead of 30.

My relationship with R, in spite of all my efforts, is failing. I know it. I have made such huge mental and physical efforts to bring us closer, and he just stays right where he is. All the talking we did a couple of months ago has gone out the window.

Nothing has changed. Nothing has gotten better. In fact, in a few ways its gotten worse. Its almost as if the more Im sweet and loving to him, the more ugly and dismissive he is with me.

Not being able to be intimate for this long has not helped, but that’s actually not all because of the elbows. R has made ZERO effort to just please ME, something he absolutely could have done. Hell, the first weekend I was hurt I did HIM a favor, but does he think to make ME happy? Nope. In my mind I believe this is because he would have to make ALL the effort, and that’s not his thing.

At first of course I couldn’t do anything, but that’s not the case anymore, and he still has made no effort to do anything about it.

I’ve been thinking about it, and I believe now that R is just not a feeling person. The only emotion he shows is anger, and even that is muted.

When I got the news about Iden I was so upset, but he didn’t comfort me at all. He just went in the other room and watched football with mom. I actually had to ASK him to hug me.

He didn’t even kiss me at midnight on New Years Eve, even though I asked him to earlier that night. Its as if me asking him to do it made him NOT do it. Afterwards he tried to make up for it but it was too late. Everything is too late.

His behavior this past month has been sketchy at best. The first weekend I was hurt I had to basically ask him to help with dishes and food prep. It’s been like that every weekend except one night. I had a meltdown about “people” telling me not to do things Im not supposed to be doing with my arms, but then not doing those things for me. That night he did the dishes. Well most of them. Mom still had to do some, and the other weekends she has pretty much done all of them. He’s left her to do the heavy lifting and it’s not right.

Things like that have given me a new perspective on him. Im not saying he should just work his ass off from the time he walks in the door until he leaves, but that’s what I do, or was doing, every weekend to please him. Not being able to do those things has opened my eyes to what he would be like to live with in a way.

Im guessing there is a reason the house he is in is a wreck. He rarely cleans up. He never buys groceries. He never cooks. His ex-wife and kids have done all that for him for so long he’s just used to it I guess.

One of the things we talked about a long time ago was that there are things I feel like he should just DO without having to be asked. He was offended by that notion, and now I see that no matter what I do or say, or how long we stay together, that’s never going to change. In fact it’s getting worse.

The little things that I need to make each day feel right, like good morning texts, or a phone call at night aren’t happening. He won’t make plans for the weekends. Not even Christmas. He shows up with little to no warning. I cant plan anything for the weekend because he may decide not to come until Saturday. That’s happened a few times in the last 6 weeks or so. The last 2 weekends he didn’t even stay longer than 24 hours. He told me New Years Day he felt bad, but I honestly don’t believe him. I think he wanted to go home, so when he did leave I was glad. I didn’t want him here anymore.

For Christmas this year I gave him a letter, stating all these wonderful things that I felt about him. He said he didn’t deserve it. He is correct. I meant them in my heart, and also I was attempting to boost him up, hoping that would make him feel closer to me. Not everything I said to him is even true, but I wanted it to be, so I thought if I put it down on paper for him to read, maybe he will strive to be that person. I don’t think that’s possible anymore.

The year 2021 was a shit show not unlike 2020, only this shit show was totally my fault. I made no effort to get new work. I made no effort to learn new skills. I made no effort to lose weight, quit drinking, or exercise more. Well that’s not completely true, I was exercising pretty well for a few months there, then I hurt my back, and I was getting ready to start up again at the first part of December, but then I had the elbow fracture happen so it’s all just been a perfect ending to a perfectly fucked up year.

I can’t change the past but I MUST change the future. I can’t write about how much I want it, I have to do it.

R will not help me in any of this. I mean no one can do it for me. I know that, but I also don’t need any more reasons to be unhappy, and right now that’s him.

Its weird, I write all this thinking that I need to just let him go. Part of me wants that, but part wants to see what I can do with myself, and maybe when Im better inside we will be better too. Another part of me thinks that if I stay with him, I will never BE better inside, because being with him is part of the problem.

So many changes needed and I feel like I don’t know how to even start. I am still house bound, and even if I had work coming in I can’t do it yet. I expect I will be able to shoot again in a couple of weeks, and I know I need to use that time to do things to improve what I do. Learn the techniques that Im lacking, or at least start to. I realize too, these are things that I should have been doing for the last month that I’ve been bound to this place, but I didn’t, so that’s that.

I feel like I have so many things I need to do and I have no motivation to start any of them. It’s much easier to just have a drink and play XBOX.

1% changes. That’s what they say are the building blocks to a better life. Not huge sweeping resolutions. I know I’ve done this a million times but if you don’t at least start you can’t ever change anything. So who cares that Im starting over again? That’s another thing I HAVE to do, stop beating myself up for failing.
Acknowledging the good and living in a grateful way instead of a bitter resentful way.

Depression has sucked me down a well, and unfortunately it’s a very comfortable familiar place. I am living in “what if” in the past, and therefore not making any progress. This MUST stop.

Part of what I had intended to post before getting the news about Iden was about getting rid of things in my life that don’t bring me joy. I intend to do that, starting with my bad attitude.

I don’t know if my mind is sour because of me being with R, but I know this relationship is definitely NOT bringing me joy.

I don’t know, however, if part of that is just because Im unhappy with other parts of my life, and frankly stuck in a place that’s feeding me unhealthy habits, which make me happy temporarily, but more unhappy once they wear off.

In the last month I have left this house exactly 4 times, including only 1 walk around the neighborhood. That’s the other thing that has made this month a living hell. The weather has been so bad that when I could finally walk outside without fear of falling or discomfort I haven’t been able to. I mean yes there have been days I could have and didn’t, some of which were on weekends when R was here, and of course, he doesn’t want to go for a walk so it didn’t happen.

Sometimes I wonder if the past 2 years had not been under a pandemic, and I was still working like usual, and had been able to continue the gym and all that…shit Im doing it again…Im living in memories and “what if”. The past is NOT going to help your future.

OK, so that’s what I am going to work on today. For me, and for Iden, who doesn’t get to have another chance, Im going to give myself one.

Changing the way I think.

Pushing the negative thoughts away.

Giving myself 1 thing a day to be proud of.

A walk, a ride on the recumbent bike (Im going to give that a try right after this), reading a chapter in the book I need to learn to take the FAA test, taking a virtual class to improve my photography skills.

All this has to revolve around me not drinking and while I know in my heart I can do it, Im not going to sit here and say it’s going to be easy to give up. It’s a habit that Ive taken GREAT comfort in. Even that is getting old tough. Ive found myself more than once in the evening looking at the clock, seeing its 7 or something, and thinking, ya know I could just go to bed in a couple of hours and not have that drink tonight. Then I go ahead and have one, which leads to many, many more.

Last night I was “accountable” for the first time in a while. The results were that I had 2 glasses of wine, and 12 drinks over a 9 or 10 hour period. I started early, which is sort of a Sunday tradition I’ve had for years. Not Saturday or week days, but even those days I’ve seen 3:00…maybe 4:00 come around and go ahead and start drinking. Its pretty bad I guess. I haven’t gone to bed sober, or before midnight in a month. The last day was the day I broke my elbows, which was December 8^th, and Im pretty sure I would have stayed up and drank that night too if that had not happened.

Am I an alcoholic? Textbook Im sure. I don’t FEEL like that though. I feel bored with it. It’s become something that I do to fill the time in the evenings because I have no life and Im unhappy.

I can’t expect another person to fill that void. I have to do it myself with something that makes me happy, and is not hurting my body and mind. God, when I think about how happy I would be if I was in the shape I used to be in…there it is again…living on memories. That is going to be a hard one to break, but I guess at least Im conscious of it, and that’s a step.

So step 1 – don’t think past today…tough one.

Today Im going to get on the recumbent bike, and that will make me feel good.

Today I am grateful that I actually HAVE a recumbent bike in my house to help me exercise in my lame condition!

I am always of course, grateful that I have a family that is supportive and patient with me. I know I have many things to be thankful for.

I will acknowledge them all, but today I am going to appreciate the fact that I am alive and being given yet another chance to get it right.

2021 yet again didn’t start or end the way I had hoped. I know now more than ever that I MUST take charge of my course in this life. I have been extremely lucky in the past, and sometimes I think I’ve ridden that luck out.

The only part of the past I do want to acknowledge today is that 10 years ago on a cool January day in 2012, I was writing in this blog about how Id quit drinking for 2 weeks and how hard it had been at some point, but that overall it was fine, and that I was starting to work out.

I didn’t know then that 2012 would turn into the best year in my whole life, and as much as I wish I was there, I never will be again. My body is 10 years older, and things will never be the same as they were then. The way I need to eat, drink, and exercise will never be that way again. I am going to have to really start over in every way, and figure out what works for me NOW.

I can proudly say that I am still 90 lbs lighter than I was then, and even though the negative voice that lives in my head just immediately popped up to let me know that I am worse off now than I was a year ago, I will not let it win today.

Im off to the “gym room” I will exercise and be grateful I am alive to do it, and as I cry another tear for Iden, who left this world much too soon, I hope I can do his memory justice. I hope that his tragic end gives me the inspiration I need to move up and onward to a better life, because you really never do know when you’re on your last day. When mine comes I want to know in my heart that I gave it my best and didn’t waste the many wonderful gifts I have been given.

The sun is finally out…literally...for the first time in over a week and its timing is perfect. Maybe its Iden up there giving me a little sunshine and a little hope.

To Iden, wherever you are. I hope you are building the best Lego world ever. I miss you my friend. 

Thanksgiving Redo

 Its that time of year again already. I cant believe this year has gone by so fast.

When I last wrote I was pretty convinced that R and I were done. The day I was writing Anne visited and we had the best time. It was so good to see her again and to know that she's living here now is just wonderful!

She, as usual had some very good advice, which I took, and after another few days of silence, R finally broke the Mexican Stand-off and texted me Tuesday after pinball.  It was late and I was tired so I didn't answer. I woke the next day to find a string of texts that he had sent throughout the night saying he was sorry and that he loved me. I decided that we needed to talk, so he came over the day and we did just that. 

Long story short, I didn't really know the words I delivered to him in bad that night had hurt him. It had not only done that but triggered him into a place of darkness. I guess I wasn't fair to him about the work he had been doing on himself in the friendship department. I think on my own behalf I was , and still am frustrated that the family thing has not been resolved and looks like it never will be. I asked him to invite his family for Thanksgiving and he said he did but they had plans. I know he didn't invite all of them, just the 2 girls, but I guess that when you expect to not be invited you make other plans. 

The other issues we are having we are working on and that talk was not easy to have, but I do think he is trying harder, and so am I. I think I've had more uplifting words from him in the past few weeks than I ever have. Even if its coming from him thinking he has to do it, it still feels good. 

We still have had a couple of moments where he said something that hit me weird, one thing in particular last weekend about me not going to a football thing at his friends house, but I do think he's really trying. I think he really loves me, and its hard for me to wrap my head around that. 

So that's the good part. The other part is, I still feel like my needs are not being met, but since he is trying I will work with him on that. I also still feel like his triggers are far more important than mine, and I don't know that I conveyed that to him in a way that he understands. Part of that is to do with the family issues. Part to do with how he handles things in general. basically by not talking about them until they are huge. 

He claims that things are not important to him like that so that's why he dismisses them. The fact that they are to me makes no real difference. This is something I am coming to understand that is never going to change and if I am to stay with him I am going to have to accept that.

On the flip side, he has taken to coming with me to my pinball meets, well the last 2 anyway. I don't expect him to always do that and frankly don't want him to. I think that he's looking at it as a way of "us" to make new friends, which is true in a way, but the way he's going about it makes me uncomfortable. I was hoping that we would make friends with a couple. As in him be friends with the guy and such. The way its working out seems to be that he has it in his head that this one lady, Ill call her M, is the perfect start on new friends for us. I would agree but its not like you can just decide that and POUF it happens. 

I agree that we both seem to have more in common with her than the other ladies. She is single though, and the way he is not talking about her non stop made me finally come out and say , "do you just want to fuck her or something?" which I think he was really surprised to hear from me. Its weird. I think I am actually a little jealous. That feeling is foreign to me when it comes to R, but it tells me I care a lot more about him being here than I thought I guess. 

I don't like that feeling though. Its insecurity about myself too I know. I want to feel better about myself so that having a woman friend that's single wont bother me. After all, I was in that boat my whole life. Having couple friends and always being the single one. 

At any rate, I know I need to work on myself and am happy that we seem to be working on each other. 

I wish the rest of my family stuff was going that well.

Thanksgiving was hijacked by Beth and John so we ( Elise, R and mom) are having a reboot tomorrow on Saturday while watching football. I wish Beth and I could make some kind of peace but it seems like her alcohol issues and the fact that neither she or John can stand R are making it nearly impossible.

Oh well. Ill just keep moving forward and try to be thankful for the family I do have. I am also thankful for R and am happy that we are not apart and seem to be moving in the right direction. 

The Sound of Silence

 Its Tuesday. Pinball day. A day....the only day lately....that I really look forward to. I don't want to go. 

I had a bad night last night. I stayed awake way to long, and got up early so I'm tired and I feel bad. 

I've had a pretty useless day too. Best intentions gone bad. 

Before I got out of bed I laid there looking through texts from R. I went back a whole year. Actually past that to October of last year. I knew what I was looking for but needed to see it to make sure I was right.

There it was. The same fight we just had almost 2 weeks ago. Same subject, same result. 

They say that insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting different results. I guess I'm bat shit crazy then. I did it with HWSNBN for years. Now it seems I'm doing it again with R. 

Still no word from him either. How long do I wait to make it officially over in my head? In my heart it will take a long time. R...Ray...has been a very special part of my life for almost 3 years. I wanted it to work, I STILL want it to work, but we are simply repeating history over and over and not getting anywhere. 

If there is any hope I don't see it. The only thing that will give this a chance would be for him to call me and tell me he's sorry, and that he will make the move to start introductions to the family. If he were to do that I could tell him I'm sorry for making him feel bad, (again) and that I'm willing to move forward but that means actually doing it this time. I just don't see that happening. 

Maybe he just doesn't want it anymore. He's got a new job and the outlook for him is success of a kind he has never known. Getting another girl to let him be a weekend lover will be easy for him. 

He will blame me no matter what. I read it from last year and this will be no different. Last year I was in a very needy place. I'm not now. Sad, yes. Lonely, yes. Needy, no.

 Will it be as easy for me to move on? No. Harder than ever. I'm 51, and I now live with my mom. Those 2 factors alone are going to make my single life difficult at best. One might think that looking at those things would make me go running back to him. Last year it did. I wasn't even in that position yet but it was staring me in the face and I was so afraid of being alone again and never finding anyone else that I went back in and just let it happen all over again. So here I am, a year later exactly where I would have been if Id stood my ground. Only this time I can really look back and see it so clearly. I see where I was and how I should have just stayed the course no matter what the results. 

You cant change the past, but you can change the future. 

I want him back but only if those things we talked about are fixed. The friend part I can concede to, and he does make efforts to do things with people when I ask him to, I just wish he actually enjoyed it. In that regard I have the ability to actively try to change my need for a bunch of friends and approval from others, and hopefully help him change the way he approaches it. That's what I have been doing all this time I guess I would just need to try harder. The family part is completely him, and again, looking at the history repeating itself, I just don't have faith anymore that he's ever going to do anything to change that. The intimacy stuff...well that I would of course continue to work on too, because that part would have to get better or nothing else would make any difference. Maybe that's really the only issue here and the fact that I can't tell him about it without hurting him leaves me clueless as to how to fix it. 

I want so badly to call him. I just want to get it over with one way or another. Every time I get a text I hope its him. Today the phone hasn't chimed at all. Silence all day. Its deafening. 

I can see how the conversation would go. Me repeating the same thing. He will call it an ultimatum. He will tell me its all about me and my needs. If that's true then so be it. I cant give in this time. I've done it over and over and its gotten me exactly nowhere. Were sliding into the end of another year and I cant start a new one with this dead weight dragging behind me. I need to let it go, and if he's not willing to make these efforts I need to let him go. For good. 

In my dream mind post break up, I see us having some time apart then coming together as friends again. Both happy with other people and able to be real friends as we probably always should have been. I know that's fantasy. I know that once this is finally really over, and his stuff is no longer here, I'll never see him again or hear his sweet voice again. 

I love his voice. I love him, but I have to love me more. I guess I will need to get used to the silence.