Itch.....

I have the itch to be bad. I'm going to ride it out though. I mean its BAD too! Why on earth would I want to do something to disrupt my perfect week when Friday is literally a few hours away?
Who knows.
All I know is I'm having to pray for strength not to go out. Its like sometimes someone else is driving the bus and I'm simply a passenger.

This, of course, is ridiculous. I am in control of everything I do. High time I admit that and stop blaming the invisible bus driver with the horns poking out of his hat!!

I will go home. I will be good. I will get up tomorrow and work out like I have been doing, and I will be so grateful for my strength tomorrow when Ive done it!!

302

The Switch

So I guess my cabinets contained a lot more things in them that are bad for me than I realized, because in my quest to purge I actually ended up gaining 11 lbs in about a week and a half. I think my head said, OK just eat whatever you want, and with me, if I have the TINIEST amount of overindulgence I gain weight..FAST!
That's all over now....well mostly. I had a moment last week where on Tuesday night I decided, and prayed very hard, to get up the next morning and work out, and also to go back on Weight Watchers.
So I did, and I successfully worked out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday last week. I also did just fine on my eating (until Friday night) and between Monday, (actually really Wednesday) and Friday lost the 11 lbs. Id gained back.

Friday came and I got the itch to eat badly, so I did. I worked out Saturday and didn't eat so bad then, but Sunday I really blew it out of the ball park! I also didn't work out Sunday or Monday so on my Tuesday weigh in ( I weigh almost every day) Id again gained 6 lbs back from Saturdays lowest weight.

It really is crazy that I can lose and gain...gain especially...so fast. Today's weigh in revealed that I have dropped 2 lbs from yesterday, and hopefully by Friday I'll be back down to what I was last Friday.
That being said, in order to break this barrier I am going to have to really bust my brain to be strong over the weekend and NOT go crazy on the drinking or the eating. I hate that I make this great effort all week long only to bust it up in a 2 1/2 day period.

So I'm proud of myself for doing what I'm doing with the working out and the eating during the week, but Ive got to get through a weekend OK. Its a MUST.
I'm praying that I'm strong enough to do it, because I know its a key to success.

I have learned..or re-learned..that I'm very much all or nothing. I thought I could have a little of this or that over the weekend and discovered that I went totally overboard.

I will not be negative though, because I really think that my mind is right with this. I really think I'm ready to make a serious life change. Even if its just the working out and the healthy eating during the week right now, its a step.

Seriously, getting up at 5:00 AM to work out is HUGE for me!
That being said, I realized that as of this week this will be the first time I can remember in years that I have gone 2 weeks ( during the week) without cheating myself.
I know I'm going to make it to Saturday again working out. I just know it. This is a barrier for me that I will have broken as of Saturday as soon as I step off that treadmill. I'm not even scared that I cant or wont do it because I just feel THERE.

So despite the fact that I WAY overindulged last weekend, and might fall off that wagon again this weekend, just the consistent working out for 2 weeks is such a huge step for me that I'm going to let myself be happy about it.

I'm giving myself credit and hoping that the switch has finally been flipped.

Guess Whos Coming to Dinner?

Last night I had the opportunity to witness history..along with the rest of the world. A black man is going to be our next president. I was a little pissy about the whole thing yesterday before the results started coming in.
Not because hes black, but because I was so unsure about BOTH candidates.
I frankly still am, and who ever was going to win I knew would have to do a lot of work in the next 4 years to prove to the world they were the right choice.

So I went out last night to out local hang out and among a crowd that might just as well have been out on New Years Eve, saw the world welcome Obama as our president. Not just the US..the WORLD.
I actually got choked up thinking about what his being where he is means to just the black population of the US, not to mention the overwhelming support of the world. It was remarkable.

So I'm going to lay off my bitterness and just pray that he will be able to do the right things for this country that we so badly need, and be happy that we've come so far as a nation that he can be, and is, where he is today.

The Future Looks Grim

Well, today the future is upon us. Not only will we be electing a new president but for the first time in history we will either have a female vice president, or a black president.
Who did I vote for?
I cant say.
To be honest I didn't like things about both parties. I am a little afraid of things on both sides of the coin.
I'm also afraid, even though I feel certain Obama will win, that if he doesn't, the black community where I live will lose their minds and we will become like South Central LA did when they had their riots for Rodney King.
Id be right in the middle too. Well, not really, but bad enough that Id be scared.
Why do I think that that same situation wont happen in Cobb County if McCain doesn't win? Well Ive never seen a bunch of middle to upper class citizens of any race or color start trashing their own neighborhood in protest of something that didn't go their way. I cant say as much for some of the classes of people that occupy a large amount of Atlanta and the surrounding community.

I understand that this is a very passionate election for all involved. I understand that all over the country people on both sides of the coin are voting for one guy or another based solely on their race. Those are the ones that scare me the most. Those are the ones that will be the most upset.

Me, well, I'm already upset because the person I wanted to be in the White House this year didn't make it. She would have been a great president I think, and the Obama worshiping cult like thing that's happened wouldn't be an issue.

Whoever gets in the big chair I hope they are prepared to face a lot of BIG problems, because if or when they cant deliver all their lofty promises to their people theres going to be be unrest.

I think some people have this vision of Obama bringing the world together. I think that the exact opposite is going to happen. Not of his doing, but of his "followers".
On the other hand, from the moment hes elected on I guess no one can ever say that "minorities" are not equal in this country, because black man will be sitting in one of the most honored seats in the world. So maybe in that way it will shut some whiny people up, but I'm betting it wont.
People who want to whine and complain are going to do it regardless of who's up there in Washington. If McCain gets elected my bet is that a large Obama group will claim racism and unfair voting practices. The NAACP has already started in with a lawsuit claiming that Virginia doesn't have enough voting machines for the rural black communities and that they wont be able to vote blah blah blah.

On the other hand, McCain is suing as of last night to try and extend the vote count for our man and women over in Iraq claiming that their ballots are going to be late and that we should wait until November 14th for an official count.

Maybe they both have a point.

Geesh the more I go on the more it just seems like its going to be a total mess no matter what happens.
Anyone for moving to Canada? Kidding. I love this country.

Actually I cant move anyway...as I believe Ive mentioned before.....because I cant sell my house....because the economy is so bad....and because no one wants to buy a house in the ghetto.

OK, on a brighter note, America is a great country and I will support who ever gets in office because that's my duty as a citizen of this country.
Play nice nice and watch helplessly as one or the other boobs running for president screws up this wonderful place even more.

Have a nice day America.

Cleaning out the closet.

Or, the pantry as it happens....
I bet if I go back through this blog I could probably find at least 10 times when Ive announced that I was ready for change. That I was going to DO IT this time!
And then a week later, maybe 2, it would all be over again.

Well, add this one to the pile, cause I'm ready...again.
I'm cleaning out my pantry, my freezer, and my fridge. I usually keep a pretty good stock of groceries on hand, and not all of them are healthy.
So this morning, after waking up disgusted with myself, again, I decided to start the cleaning process.
In the past Ive done these pantry purges and just bagged up tons of food and thrown it away. Something about just trashing it made me feel clean.
This time, however, I'm taking a different approach. I'm going to eat everything I have in the fridge, freezer and pantry, then just not buy bad things again.
I don't want to see a PACKED freezer anymore.
I want to go the grocery store and buy just what I need for the week, and that's it.
I want to have NOTHING in my house that's even remotely tempting.

Oh don't get me wrong. I'm not going to eat everything at once! no no noooo. I'm going to eat like I normally do, just using what I have and not buying anything else until I HAVE to.
This will come in handy right now because I'm pretty broke, and I happen to have enough stocks to feed a small village for a week!
So this will be a slower process of purging, and through it I will be able to enjoy a few things for the last time and be done with it.

Yes, I have to do it that way. I hear people tell me, Oh, no , you can have a little of this or that, just don't go crazy. Well guess what? I go crazy.
Ive said it before and I'll say it again. Pizza is my crack and Papa Johns is my dealer!!!

I use that as an example, but I think you get my meaning.
I have to have all or nothing. Its just the way it is.

Also, I'm again going to make the effort to get back into the severe working out.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and for the 10 millionth time was beside myself with disgust.
I'm 38, going on 39, and I do NOT want to live my last year of the 30s as a grotesque blob.

When I was 29 I made the decision that I didn't want to turn 30 as a huge gross girl. And I didn't. Back then I started in January and went in head first , balls to the wall. I dropped 80 lbs in 5 months.
I know it was unhealthy, but it worked for me. What I need to do now is learn how to get there again without being quite so unhealthy, maybe take a bit longer to get there, and learn to maintain it when I do get there.

I cant believe its been 9 years ago that I lost all that weight, just to be looking at it on my body again, and facing the pain and struggle to get it off again, hopefully this time for good.

I swore back then that Id never let myself be this fat again. I even told myself if I ever got past a certain number Id kill myself.
Well I did go past it, by umm, 75 lbs. and I'm still here.
I want to live the rest of my life in my real body. The one hiding under all this pain.

So the purge begins.
I need to get on that treadmill when I get home. Please God help me to do it.

Gone a while

I haven't written in a while. Ive been, well, depressed I think. I mean life goes on and all that just like it always does with me. Maybe that's it..just like it always does and I need change.
The economy sucks and I will likely be losing hours at my job soon, which I cant afford. My parents helped me out last year when this happened but they cant afford to this year, even though I know they will try.
I'm a failure.
I try to lose weight, I fail. I try to find another job( for umm oh over a year now) and I fail. That failure is related to my failure to finish college, and now its too late.
Ive been spending a lot of time sleeping, which I like, but I also know its a sign of depression.
I'm so not motivated.
I'm still weighing myself and I haven't really gained weight, but of course I'm not losing it either.
My treadmill has been untouched since before I went on vacation.
Ive been praying a lot and I know Gods pretty busy these days, ( like hes never NOT busy), but I feel like I know his answer. God helps those that help themselves.
On that note, I do try..or at least I have tried..and my motivation gets squashed over and over again.
I know I'm lucky and my life is blessed with many things, and I'm thankful for all of them.
I'm just in a real bad funk and cant seem to shake it.
Help.

To John

Wow, what a vacation.
I had 2 firsts on vacation this year. One, I didn't gain an ass load of weight for the first time ever, and two, I went to funeral.
So yeah, I guess this vacation had its ups and downs.

My cousin, John Belk, died in a head on car crash in his home town of Opelika Alabama at the age of 40. He was a police officer, a husband and a father of two young boys.
His Jeep was hit head on by 2 drunk drivers who fled the scene. They say he died instantly.

So basically vacation was an emotional ride. We arrived Friday the 22nd to impending tropical storm Fay, and found out on Monday , quite by chance actually, that John was dead.
The funeral was Thursday, August 28th. There were hundreds of police officers there and probably 1000 people.
I never knew what a great person John really was.
We weren't close as adults you see.
As children we were thick as thieves. He was , in fact, my best friend for may years. We traveled a lot when I was young, and I never really was any good at making friends so every summer when we came back to Alabama for a visit I got to see my best friend. He came to see us in Texas once too.
I deeply regret not being closer to him as an adult. I always knew he was a good person, but I had no idea how many people thought of him in such a special way.
He will be missed by many.