Getting my Courage Back

 Looking back to this time of year in 2020, before the world lost its mind and I seemed to have taken a nose dive, I wrote that I had gone back to The Wellness Center for the first time in years and it was like "coming home". Well, today I will be going to the new gym. Not for the first time, in general, but it will be for the first time before I have an actual shoot. 

I didn't intend to get up at 6:30 AM this morning, but my dog felt otherwise, so once I was up I decided why not get ready and go to the gym. I have to leave in about 20 minutes, and I'm nervous.

This will be my 3rd trip to this new gym. The first one was in the afternoon on a week day. Fairly light crowd, and lot of muscle heard and tight assed women. I did manage my full elliptical and also lower body on the machines with the exception of the ham string machine (which turns out is pretty important for me to do) because it is configured to have you ass-up with my lard butt basically in peoples faces so I decided to skip that one. 

Th second time was this past Sunday, and I only did elliptical. I had intended to do more but I was intimidated by the number and kind of people in there. 

I am going to have to overcome these feelings if I want this to work. I know I have a hard road ahead mentally and physically, but I want it to be a daily part of my life just like it was 2 years ago. I've repeatedly stated that if Covid19 had not happened there's no telling how different my life might be right now. I feel like I need to just time warp back to that head space and grab it. Hold on to it tightly and let it sink in. Maybe I can imagine that the tight assed 25 year old's in this new place are the 75 year old's at my old comfortable gym. 

Whatever I need to do to get my ass there daily in the morning is what I need to do. I need to get my courage back and JUST DO IT!

Off I go. 

1,088 Days, then Day 1

 1,088 days. That is how long I have been physically and mentally involved with Ray. Just shy of our 3 year anniversary. Even during our separation of 2 months in 2019 he was always in my head. 

When I agreed to meet up with him on Tuesday my heart was aching and my head was foggy with memories and doubt. I was doubting myself, and doubting my decision to end things with him. We were supposed to meet at the park, and so I went there with my puppy and walked through a beautiful field all the while thinking and praying out loud to God to please help me know what to do. 

The meeting was changed to the house when I got a call that a delivery was going to be made so I called him and told him to just come there because mom was not home. 

I got back to the house before he arrived and was in the back yard when he suddenly came out through the back door. It was strange to me to see him again. I had not seen him in almost 5 weeks, and I was glad when he hugged me and wanted to give me a kiss. He even brought me a white rose. 

My heart was torn because I felt very much like I needed to have this time away to make myself whole again, but I was also feeling like maybe this time he really would be different. Over the previous few days in spite of my request to have radio silence he had been texting me, asking....no, begging me to please reconsider, and during that one conversation we had on Friday, and then the last one on Tuesday before I met up with him, we got a lot of issues out and on the table. 

All of that stuff was going through my head, and while I was walking alone before we saw each other I thought about the things that I wanted to talk with him about. I didn't want to be distracted by his loving words and apologies, so when he got here, in spite of the flower, and the hugs and the warm words promising change and his deep and everlasting love, I stuck to my course. At one point he sat next to me, holding my hand and looked me straight in the eyes. He told me he loved me so much and wanted to marry me one day. He promised that all the things we had talked about we could work on together. He said he wanted to be here for me through all the bad things that I am facing, and that he would work hard to make a life for us in this home. 

Sounds great huh? I sure thought so, but even still, something in his eyes...I don't know...just didn't seem sincere. It was as if him saying this stuff was so unnatural to him he was a different person. He was fall of 2019 Ray. He was the Ray that made all those promises before and never kept them.

One of the things that has always bothered me was how he kept his phone so "secure". He was never far from it and never really wanted me to have my hands on it for very long. This always made me suspicious that he was hiding something, so while we were talking, I told him that, and he immediately proclaimed that from now on I could look at anything at any time. I said, "OK, let me see your phone." He said, "can we do it later?" "No, I want to see it now." I said. 

He gave it to me, and even as he handed it over deleted something in the hand off. I started looking, and it didn't take long to find what I had suspected all along. The first thing I saw was an email from match.com. I showed it to him and he claimed that it was an old account and he thought he had closed it. 

The second thing I saw was a text conversation from the day before with a woman that he evidently had been seeing in 2019, and had never deleted. He was asking her if she wanted to meet for lunch. Now I was getting upset. He defended that by telling me that I said we were done, and even though that was true, I still didn't understand how he could just jump into seeing someone all the while telling me he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. 

Then the real bomb dropped. I found a text stream with a woman that he had mentioned last fall. Eva. The sister in law of Larry, his buddy and band mate that lives near him. The very same Larry who has the football parties that Ray never wanted me to go to. Last fall I offered to drive over there to go with him to one and we got into an argument because he didn't want me to go. So much so that he said he wouldn't go at all which made me very upset because why would he rather not go at all than have me go with him? That very argument was part of what we had talked about, and he told me he acted that way just because he was being childish. I directly asked him about Eva too, and if he had slept with her, or had any kind of flirtation with her at all. He told me they were only friends and barely that. 

Well, the texts I found proved otherwise. Even as I was scrolling through them I was asking him about the "hugs" and "Kisses" he was sending her and he said he was just trying to be nice. When I got to New Years Day I stopped. That day, as I wrote in a post about that horrible weekend, he got up claiming to be sick, but still hung around for a couple of hours. At one point on that day I walked into the sunroom where he was laying on the sofa and he was texting someone, but when I came in he put the phone down. It was her. The were making plans to see each other that day, and he was just hanging around here until they were set, then he left. 

I lost my shit. We were sitting on the front steps and I told him he needed to leave now. He protested and I told him he was a liar and to GET THE FUCK OUT. Then...and I cant really believe it but it just proves how little this relationship actually meant to him...he wanted to go inside and "get the rest of his stuff". The man was more concerned with getting the pair of shoes that I had forgotten to pack up than what was happening. He continued to protest then switched to "I'm sorry I didn't mean to lie to you". 

In spite of me telling him he could not come inside he did anyway and for a minute I really thought, 'oh my god, what is going to happen? What if he really is crazy and now I'm alone in this house with him.' He followed me upstairs, all he while begging my forgiveness and trying to weasel his way out of what I had caught him in. He kept telling me he never slept with her or anyone else, and that he loved me soooo much. He even got on his knees and grabbed my legs. I almost kicked him in the face but thought better of it. I screamed at him to get out of my house. He finally got up and followed me back outside, where he again tried to keep talking his way out of it. I wasn't having it. I told him I never wanted to see him again and never to contact me again. 

Later I checked the Ring cameras and saw the exchange between us as he was finally leaving. Him trying to come back inside and me yelling NO at him and GET OUT. The last thing the camera caught was him exiting the garage, and as he was getting in his car, his voice totally changing to calm, with no sign of even being mildly upset, saying "oh well". Just like one would if you bought a lotto ticket, checked the numbers and saw that you had yet again lost, but no big deal. 

I didn't cry about it until last night. In spite of my telling him to leave me alone he still has been emailing me, and in one from last night he admitted sleeping with Eva, all the wile trying to gaslight me into thinking it was somehow all caused by me making him feel so unloved and so insecure. I finally responded to that and ripped into him. I told him he disgusted me. I also told him that if he didn't leave me alone I would take all these emails where he is still telling me he loves me and that basically this Eva woman means nothing to him at all, and send them to his buddy, his buddy's wife and Eva herself as well as his entire family so they can all see what a piece of shit he really is. he sent a couple of similar responses then they stopped. 

I was, and am furious about this. All the time wasted on what I sincerely thought might be the person I would spend the rest of my life with. All the money I spent on him. All the friendships and family stress being with him caused. All of it. It makes me sick. 

Yesterday I joined a gym up the street. the same gym that I was at when my father died. I had decided that I needed this change before all this happened, and going there yesterday made me feel so good, only to read all that last night and end up feeling bad. 

I woke up this morning sad and feeling very deflated. I had a bad day in general. I didn't get to the gym because of physical therapy, but I guess I need to give myself a break. Ill get there tomorrow. 

When I came home from therapy and errands there was a box of flowers outside the garage door, from Ray of course. I got them in the house, unpacked them, and read the note. 

"You are my heart - Love Ray" 

I broke down. I didn't want to cry about this anymore, but suddenly in that moment I realized just how much he really had meant to me, and how much I really did love him. It also became clear that all of those precious moments that I had hoped to keep in my mind as fond memories were all lies and I could never trust that anything he told me was true. 

When I started this break up process I sincerely struggled with it, and in the end had come to the conclusion that although we loved each other we just simply wanted different things in our lives. I had hoped to part ways and be able to be friends in time. All of that was shattered when I discovered just how much of a con artist he really is. A friend of mine was gracious enough to look him up this morning in state  and county records and there is a laundry list of bad debt, evictions, and even an assault charge against him. He had told me about that, but his version was that it was his horrible abusive ex wife and that the charges had been false so they were dropped. What she found was that it was some guy named Craig that evidently he had had a fight with, and it was bad enough to go beyond the simple mistake he claimed it was. Also, she couldn't find any record of him having her removed from the house and a restraining order put on her. Finally, she couldn't find his divorce, which was supposed to have happened in January of 2020. He even showed me the papers that had been signed. I was left dumbfounded. I mean, who IS this man? Is he crazy? Is he dangerous? Or is he just a guy that had a really bad life and thought he saw a savior in me, but still wanted his old life too, and enjoyed the many benefits that came with being my boyfriend. It doesn't matter. All of it is bad, and he just doesn't seem to get it. I NEVER EVER want to see him again, but he just keeps on coming like he really has not done anything wrong enough to justify my anger. 

Even in his emails to me, that I have now discovered are still coming in spite of my warning to stop, he still thinks we are meant to be together. I'm so tired of all of this. I want to wake up tomorrow and be happy again, so I will MAKE myself happy again. I'm going to go to the gym, and maybe when I come home and get cleaned up Ill go play pinball a while. Then Ill make a nice dinner for me and my mom. Sounds like a good day. Yeah there is a ton of actual work that I need to be doing so I can get my business rolling again, but right now I just want to do happy things tomorrow and start the work week on Monday. 

Tomorrow needs to be DAY 1 of my new life. A life where I am happy with myself and my choices. A life that is healthy, and full of gratitude for all the wonderful things and people that I have in my life, and void of those that would take advantage of me and hurt me. 

I will have to be strong. I will take any future emails from him and store them away without reading them, keeping them only in case he does something stupid. God I hope that will never happen. I hope he just eventually gets tired of waiting for me to respond and goes away. If he doesn't, well, Ill cross that bridge if I have to. 

Its bed time and my mind and body are very tired. I'm so lucky that I have such a good support system in my friends and family. I am grateful. Yes, very grateful indeed. Day 1, here I come. 

This

Taking Chances

Well I did it. I mailed him his things and said goodbye. 

Now I am in a place that I am familiar with and unfortunately I don't know how to handle it. In 2019 when I broke up with R he was fine for a month. Then when he discovered that I was dating someone else he flipped a switch and suddenly started pursuing me like crazy. 

That's what has happened in the last 4 days. I talked to him on Friday before he got his box of things. Maybe that was where I made a mistake, but I wanted to do this in a way that would allow us to remain friends at some point. During that conversation he repeatedly asked me not to give up and to please reconsider. I told him I needed a month of zero contact to get myself started on a better path, and he was shocked. So much so that I told him just 7 days. I just wanted to get that ball of zero contact rolling. He agreed, and we hung up. 

He didn't last 24 hours. 

I'm exhausted mentally and physically and I don't know what to do. I do love R, and I have said it over and over that if I thought it would work Id never stop trying. This attempt to keep me talking to him instead of listening to me and respecting my wishes is just proving to me that he is incapable of  real change and that if I went back to him he would be great for a while then revert right back into who he really is. 

I tried to tell him all this just now on the phone, and instead of telling him no to everything I agreed to go meet him at a park that's near my house in a little bit. Its probably a huge mistake but my feeling is that I will do this for him, and then ask again that he respect my wishes to be left alone and if he doesn't do it, then it really is over. 

I realize this is taking a chance that I probably don't need to give him yet again, but I want to see his face one last time, if it is really the last one. 

Gone Baby Gone - The Uncomfortable Zone.

 Its almost been a month since R left my home, unknowingly, to never come back. 

This past week has been hard in many ways, not the least of which was getting into what I hope is a final argument over text with R.  It was not my intention to end things over text. I had hoped to have a quiet conversation with him about it, but I guess that was going to be impossible. 

Every time I tell him the things that have bothered me all these years he gets defensive and tells me he's doing the best that he can, and that I am causing all this by living in fear.

He's right to some degree. I do fear change. I also fear the unknown.

I certainly could just keep things the way they are. I have actually even though it was making me unhappy, but the universe is screaming at me to get off my ass and make the life for myself that I want. I've been hearing the cry for a long time, and all the things that have lead to this moment have pushed me even further to the edge. I have resisted, I have struggled, and I have at times just given up, letting things remain the same. Its so much easier to just go along. Fighting for what you want is much much harder. 

I thought that Iden dyeing, and the 2 weekends that followed were the final straw, but I was still having doubts that breaking things off with him was a mistake. That was, until Monday when I found out that my oldest sister is in such bad health that she has significantly shortened her life. I'm not going to say she is dying because I cant wrap my head around that, and its also not true...yet. Right now she is fighting for her life. Not in the hospital, but in her head and her body.  

My sister used to be my best friend, but as much as I love her, she is also toxic to be around. She never had bad intentions but I can look back through the years of posts on this blog and see what an impact living with her for so long had on my life in a negative way. When I finally broke free of her my life changed. It was hard work, but it did, and eventually we came to a place where we could be friends again without her life choices rubbing off on me as much. Even then there were many many times when I would fall right back into those old bad habits with her. Why? Because it was comfortable. 

Comfort. What is it to be comfortable? Is it the way your pants fit? Is it the ease (or unease) you feel in the company of strangers? Is it the way a cookie might make you feel calm when you are in anguish? Is it a hug when you need it? It is indeed all of these things and much more. Comfort can be a wonderful thing and every living thing on this earth needs it to some degree. What I have learned is that there are different types of comfort, and not all of them are good. 

I can honestly say that I am comfortable with Ray, but not in a good way. The comfort I feel in him comes from him just being here. When I say "here" obviously I don't mean just in my presence because that is part of our issues. What I mean is that if I left things alone, I mean really just let things ride like they are and allowed my life to flow on the stream that HE is comfortable with, I am sure he would be in my life forever. There is a part of me that wishes I could just let go of the things I really want to experience in my life with another person. I know people that have done just that, but I also know they are not really happy inside. They stay in their relationships "for the kids", or, like me, fearing the onset of age and having to put myself out there again to start anew with someone else. Assuming that that chance is even out there. 

I have a friend that is happily married, on husband #2, and she had to make that choice several years ago. She could have stayed married for the kids, but she was unhappy, and finally after a "last straw" kind of event, she finally broke free. I know she struggled financially to a degree, and had many other issues to overcome because of that choice, but she got out. She saved herself, and now she's married to the RIGHT person. Oh I've seen them have issues too, but look, I'm not delusional. I know nothing is perfect and I know that even the best relationships struggle at times, but I feel like those couples have something that holds them together beyond money or kids. I cant say what that is exactly, because I've never had it myself. I think though, it must be the love and trust of that other person. Knowing, REALLY knowing, who that person is, and for the most part, liking the same things. 

Can you really KNOW another person? I myself have never had that experience, but I have to think that those people that have these successes do know each other as much as humanly possible. Maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe that's part of what R is talking about when he says I have expectations for people that are unreasonable. Or, maybe he himself has never experienced it and because of that, it doesn't exist. I can tell you, it does not exist between us, and after 3 years, my thought is, its never going to. 

I'm melancholy today. Its raining yet again. I feel like the last 3 months have been a true test to every part of my body, mind and spirit. The weather has been like this, or just grey, more often than bright and sunny which in a way is fitting since that's been the way I have felt. Its time to make my own sunshine. Sometimes you just have to decide to be happy. 

I cant be totally happy today because I'm packing up Rs things into a box and shipping them UPS to his house. I know this is going to blindside him and he will be sad, mad, and broken hearted. His happiness has been tied to being with me, which I can understand but is also unhealthy. I don't think that those couples that seem to have a good solid relationship tie their complete happiness to their mate. I think they are happy as individuals, and even have different interests to a degree but at their core, they really do like the same things which allows them to enjoy those things together. That, I believe, is the other half of the equation. Knowing someone and having interests that you like to do together, not just for the other persons sake. Do people do things for the sake of their mates? Of course, but the core things they like to do with each other because they already liked them before they met. I think you can also be introduced to new things and grow to like them, but the bottom line is , you DO like them. 

R told me all the time that the reason he does the things that I like to do is because him liking them is not important. He says that just being with me is what's important. I've told him over and over that I don't want him to do things just because I want to do them if he doesn't like it. It goes round and round and just like every other issue we have, gets nowhere. 

I can appreciate his efforts to do things that I enjoy just for my sake, and I would hope that he would grow to like them as well. That really hasn't happened and he uses it as a pedestal to preach to me on, which of course makes me feel like an ass. How can I get mad at someone who sacrifices himself so often just to make me happy?  The more I think about it, the more it makes me feel manipulated. Of course if you asked him he'd be all "Oh so me being a nice guy and accommodating your needs is a bad thing?"

My needs. I think I just grasped what he thinks fulfilling my needs means. The pool is a great example. I love swimming. I love to be by the pool. Literally in the summer on the weekends that's pretty much all I want to do, which he has known since I met him. How did he know? Because in our first communications on line when you are asking the other person what they like etc.. I told him. It was also on my profile. That's what you do. You tell people your likes and dislikes hoping to meet someone who is compatible and has similar interests. I think to him, when he sits outside in the 98 degree heat beside the pool in long pants and rarely gets in the water he is meeting my need to be outside by the pool. He's sacrificing his comfort just to be with me. Its the same thing when people come over. He plays nice to people he calls sheep just to make me happy. It a nice gesture, but its also ridiculous, and I doubt sustainable. No one can do things they really don't want to do for the long haul without consequences. For us, these came out through his constant need to remind me of what a good boyfriend he has been, doing all these things just for my sake. What he has never gotten in spite of me telling him this, is that any enjoyment I might have is being lessened by the fact that I know he is unhappy and would rather be doing something else. What would he like to be doing instead? I really don't know. Honestly, I don't. I mean I know he's a musician, but I've only ever seen him play music on old videos. Other than that hobby, I don't have a clue. 

I have always thought we have a lot in common, but maybe we really don't. If he is "sacrificing" his own likes and needs under the guise of being this great boyfriend that cares nothing for his own personal comfort because just simply being present in my space is enough, then not only do we not have things in common, but I have no idea what he actually does like. 

This also means that I don't really know him, and because he has never ever made a real effort to let me into his life, in his own personal space, I never will. I think in his mind, he thought one day he would leave his space behind and be a part of mine, but that was never going to happen without me getting to know him in his own environment. That's a discussion we had repeatedly too, and just like the rest of them it went nowhere. 

I keep writing more and more about him and the things that are wrong, and I know that is a lot of negativity. I hope that I am getting it out of my system through this. I feel like I've been poisoning my body for so long. Not just with negative mental things but physically too. My unhappiness has always manifested in food and alcohol abuse, and its been totally out of control for the past 2 years. 

Monday after my sister told me her diagnosis, Portal Vein Hypertension with Ascites, I read a lot about it. Its bad. My sister was told almost 3 years ago that she had to quit drinking and she didn't. Now, after having a game changing ER visit that turned into a 3 day hospital stay, she is home and sober. She says she's been sober now for 3 weeks or so. Quit smoking too. She did these things finally because she literally was about to die. I really hope she sticks to it, because one drink more and that's it. As it is, her chances of living another 5 years are about 50/50. 

My sister knew she was in trouble but she didn't want to believe it. She was happy and living her life the way she wanted to. Shes' married to a man that would walk on fire for her, and she loves him just as much, but for some reason, she didn't love him, or maybe herself, enough to quit before the real damage was done.  What a life she has given up. They could have had 30 more years together or more. Now they absolutely will not unless she, by some miracle, gets well enough to get a liver transplant. I cant believe this is happening to her. To us. Our family. She and I have had a strained relationship at best ever since R entered my life. I understand why to a degree, but maybe I was being stubborn too. I know she wants me to be happy, and I think even though it took a long time to happen, we both finally realized that we were never going to be able to be as close as we once were with  her husband in the picture. She always thought I was jealous, and maybe I was. Not of her having John, because I would NOT want to have him as a mate, but I would like to have someone that loves me as much as he loves her. John and I have never really gotten along, and sometimes I have blamed him for her being such a mess too. There's a part of me that thinks that he should have quit drinking 3 years ago and MADE her do the same. I also know that my sister runs that family and she was going to do what she wanted to do regardless, because she knew he would never leave her no matter how bad it got.  

I guess my point is, she's happy, and I don't understand how she could have just let it all go just for a drink. That being said, the day I got this news the first thing I wanted to do was get a glass of wine, but I didn't. Scared straight? Maybe, but I'll take it. The last 2 days I've had drinks, but a whole lot less, and I've already scheduled a Dr appointment for Tuesday next week to get all my shit checked. 

What if I get the same warning that she did 3 years ago? Will I blow if off like she did? I guess when its you that are in that situation its different, but I have to believe whatever they say about my health that I will take what's happening to her and make those changes that I have been writing about for years. I mean seriously, do I really need another message from the universe telling me to make changes now?

I wish with all my heart that Ray and I could have a life together, but the reality is, I've been dating a man for 3 years that I only know in a limited way and that's just not enough. I want more. I deserve more. Maybe it wont happen for me, but I cant stay where I am even if that's true.  

I've got to make myself uncomfortable to move forward. I've got to do things that I don't want to do, period. Change is so hard. So uncomfortable. I have to find new ways of comforting myself. Food and booze are not the answer, and neither is staying in a relationship that doesn't work. 

I'm off to do what exercise I can, and then I am going to pack those things in a box and go to UPS, no matter how hard, or uncomfortable it is. 

Happy Anniversary - The Ultimate Gift!

Its January 28th, 2022, 9:20 AM. 

This time last year I was watching my house slowly empty out. Moving day from my little house in Decatur. What a long day that was, and what a year its been. Another New Year reset? Possibly. I certainly could use one. 

It took me so long to get settled here, and for months I really thought Id made a huge mistake, but now I don't. I cant take it back anyway, and even though nothing has been "normal" all year, I think I can finally say I am settled and happy with my surroundings and the routine mom and I have developed at least for the most part. I do miss my time alone. Even though in this big place I have plenty of space to be by myself, if you've ever lived by yourself you know its not the same. In my little house Id come in from work on a hot day, strip in the kitchen (where the washer and dryer were) and walk through the house naked. I miss stuff like that. 

I miss going into my little office with the huge window that overlooked the big back yard and getting my day started. I miss going into that same room at night sometimes, closing the doors and playing music so loud my ears rang. I miss being able to watch things on TV that had bad language or loud sex scenes without having to turn down the volume. I miss being loud during sex...not that that's been an issue for a while regardless of location. 

Yeah, there are lots of things I miss, but I have other good things that have replaced them. I have always loved this house, and lets face it, its a nice place to live. Also, with my finances being in the toilet its a damn good thing I had this place to go to. There are other good things too. My life is not being lived just for me anymore. Its being lived for my mom too, and the fact that I get to spend this time with her makes me truly happy inside. I know its going to be up and down, and there are still adjustments to be made, but the more I can focus on the HAPPY the better off I'm going to be. 

Did I just say HAPPY? Yes!! I feel good this morning inside. I'm not sure why exactly because physically I'm actually sick. 

I guess I gave myself an anniversary present early because I finally got it. COVID! Yes all these months...um years.. trying to avoid it like the Plague (is it funny that I can say that and it literally be true?) and it finally got me. I'm actually relieved, and feel lucky as well. I'm sick, but not horribly sick, and since I was able to avoid it for so long I feel like I dodged the bullet of the real nasty version that was, and is, still killing people. 

I think I got it at pinball. The first time going back since my fall was last Tuesday a week and a half ago. 3 other ladies had symptoms that they told me about over chat after I told them Id tested positive. I think they thought the same thing I did, that it wasn't Covid because of the symptoms. I haven't lost my sense of smell or taste (of course it wouldn't affect anything that might make me eat less!!) and I've never had fever. 

I hear there is another variant already spreading in Europe which means its likely here too. I hope that this episode will give us (if mom tests positive) the defense that will get us through to some kind of heard immunity. Its got to happen eventually.

In other news, my oldest sister is in the hospital. She should go home today I hope but I'm fearful of the news that she's going to get from her Dr. 

Beth has Crones, and liver disease. She was told in May of 2019 that she needed to stop drinking ASAP, and she just never has. I know in 2020 it was over the top. I still lived 5 houses away from her then and saw it with my own eyes. Sometimes over the years Id walk up there and she'd be just passed out in her chair in the den at 11:00 AM from drinking since she woke up. She looks different that she used to, and she acts different. Beth and I were best friends for years, and while I know that me getting away from that co-dependent friendship 10 years ago was a game changer for me in my own life in a good way, I still miss her. She is my sister and I love her, and I'm so worried sometimes that we are going to have to bury her, but she, like all of us, has to be the one to make changes. 

On that note, I made a decision last night to block R from my phone. After several days of not communicating, then having a day or 2 of back and forth that was not nice, I finally texted him and told him that I just needed time away and that I was sorry for being so difficult to deal with. I guess I chickened out of just flat out telling him its over for good. I thought that would chill him out long enough for me to go to phase 2, get him his stuff back (still in my car) and tell him I wanted to stop for good. It didn't. He's gone back to his thing when he wants to make it all go away where he texts me very supportive things and is very sweet. In the past, I have been swayed by this, thinking that if this lasts we can move forward, but eventually...not even very long in...it always reverts back to the normal grind and I end up being unsatisfied and unhappy. 

He made a mistake last night though. First, he asked me how I was feeling, then followed up with telling me that he wished he'd been with me when I got it so we both could have had it at the same time. I told him that he would have just gone home to his house and spread it to his kids. He then said that he would have been "happy to be quarantined with me" which immediately made me irritated, because I knew it wasn't true. 

Over the past 2 years no less than 3 times he thought he had it. Two of those times he found out about being exposed while he was with me here, and once at the old house. All 3 times he decided it was best for him to go home, (even though I reasoned with him that if he had not been he was better off staying, and if he had been, Id surely been exposed through him already) so he could be amongst his things to quarantine. This time would have been no different and him saying that just made me mad.

When I got quiet after that he tried a different angle. I told him the other day about Beth being in the hospital and he asked about her. I told him she had had to get fluid drained from her abdomen. Almost 4 liters. Mind you, he doesn't like her or her husband and while I know he wouldn't be a jerk about her being sick, I still think it was just an excuse to talk to me. So when he sent me an article about her condition (cirrhosis - and the draining of the abdomen being a serious side effect of a person that is way far gone) I instantly got mad. I know what it is, and had already experienced it with my dad 6 months before he died. I told him that, and also that I didn't think it was OK for him to be commenting on her seeing how he didn't like her. I think he got a little irritated and made a curt response, followed up quickly by "I'm sorry". 

I decided right then that blocking him is the only answer for now. Its weird too, because after I did it, I felt guilty, like I was being mean or something. I was trying to deal with it another way. I wanted to be nice and still text with him now and then, but with him constantly texting me I will never be able to get him out of my head. He is trying to make this just go away so we can stay together without fixing anything, and I'm trying to get past it because I no longer believe it can be fixed. 

Last night when I went to bed I was thinking about what I had been doing the year before. The night before the move was stressful of course. I remember being upset with him because he came over late to help me pack up the last of my things (he had not helped me move a single thing up to that point and Id been packing stuff and moving things for over a month) and when he got there informed me that he almost didn't come at all. Then proceeded to sit down and chill while I was continuing my back breaking work. When he said he was hungry I stopped long enough to order food...something that he totally could have done but again, didn't, and finally got finished with his belated help by around midnight. 

Don't get me wrong I am grateful, in spite of what he thinks, for every moment of help he has given me. I know every little detail of the helpful moments he has given me...well...US. In fact I could list them. Trust me, he has never let me forget it. Important things none the less, and again I'm grateful for all of them, but I really hope if I am ever lucky enough to experience love again that I will have more of a balance when it comes to deeds of service. I want to feel like for once I'm getting as much as I give, and NOT be made to feel like I have to grovel at his feet in gratefulness over every one. I want those things to happen because the person I'm with WANTS to do them, and doesn't have to be asked. 

I know its not a perfect world, and that every relationship, even my mom and dads who I idolized as what a relationship should be, had moments of anger, irritation, even exasperation with each other over some chore or another, but I also know that they worked together with almost everything.

 A true partnership. That's what I want and I'm not going to settle for anything less from here on out. 

I will have to cut the cord soon as I know this is not the way to handle things long term. I don't want to be mean to him or hurt him any more than he's going to be, but I need a little distance in order to gain that strength before I can do it. 

I guess the gift of Covid through quarantine is giving me that time and space. A little anyway. I have a hair appointment next Tuesday and if I'm able to keep it, I plan to ask him to meet me in Decatur at the place where we first met in person, MPB. There I will tell him to his face that its over, give him his things and say goodbye. God my heart hurts just writing it out. Ok enough. 

I woke up in a good mood so I want to feed that beast instead of the sad monster. On this anniversary of my new life in a new home, I'm going to do some things today that are positive, and start to build on that foundation.

Wish me luck!

Back to the Black

 Sometimes I don't know why I even get up in the morning. 

That last post yet again was full of hope, but anyone can see underneath is a train wreck. 

The night was fun with Anne and Vic, but R was weird a few times and even though Id said that we "connected " the night before it was pretty much ruined by the way he acted the next morning. 

R left pretty early on Tuesday. Not surprising, and totally fine. That night, after thinking about it non stop all day, I told him that I thought I needed a couple of weeks to myself to get my schedule and routine back on track. He didn't take it well. I even told him it didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to him at all, I just needed to not have the weekend interruptions of sleep and whatever else. 

The next day I thought about it again. Maybe I panicked, I'm not sure, but I told him I was sorry and should have talked to him about it first, and that I didn't really want to not see him but that I could understand if he was pissed so I left the ball in his court to decide if he wanted to come over. 

I initiated texts and got short responses if any at all, and by the first part of this past week I was just over it. Id also gotten some pretty devastating news about my back after seeing a Dr, and tried to text him about it but he wasn't even curious enough about it to ask me what was wrong. This made me mad. REALLY mad. So when he asked me to play Diablo with him one evening last week, and I begrudgingly did, I recognized the problem I was having. Anger, frustration, and just plan disappointment is what I feel when I talk to him. 

Why am I angry? Am I angry at him? Is this just me being unreasonable yet again according to him? 

I'm angry...not with R but with myself, and no, its not unreasonable, its a cry for help that I have got to listen to from my very soul. Its telling me to get out. Its telling me this is not working, has NEVER worked, and never will. Its telling me that ever since I met this man in 2019 my life has been on a slow decline of self esteem, work ethic, self care, and self confidence. 

There's a lot of "self" in that I get it. Is that SELFISH? Maybe so, but I'm at the point where I need a life raft badly and no one is going to throw me one so I have to save myself. 

The last 2 years especially with the pandemic, moving, my work drifting away, my friends being mostly absent (just living their own lives, not in a bad way), and now having the new year come in the way it has with sad news and new physical and mental issues, has been way way too much. With all that heaped on top of an already struggling relationship, I just cant anymore. I must save myself. 

I MUST be selfish.

I did give this a lot of thought. I even talked to my mom about it, which I didn't really want to do but she lives here too so its really only fair to get her real opinion of R. Turns out she's not really a fan. She doesn't NOT like him, its more the way he treats me, she said. 

She told me the fact that he's never introduced me to his family makes her think that he's ashamed of me, and I said , "you know what? That's how it makes me feel too." That was really it. That feeling I've had from the beginning that this is somehow a sham, or that I'm being manipulated to bend to the way he wants things to be. Maybe all of that is just my general mistrust of people, but after almost 3 years, I should trust him, and the bottom line is, I don't. 

My hesitation on ending it permanently is the same as its always been, especially since moving up here. I'm sliding into 52, I live with my mom, and at the moment I'm not even working, AND now to boot I've got to deal with potential back surgery and god knows what else. So yeah, I fear...REALLY fear that if I break it off with him Ill be alone the rest of my life. Its a real, and valid fear. What about the way you feel about him you ask? Well that's difficult too, because I really do care for him. Love him even in some ways, but I default to the thought that we were never meant to be more than friends. 

Our personal relations are just bad. There's no other way to say it, and even after this last attempt in the fall to talk to him about it, and work on it, at the first opportunity it went right back to his old way of doing things, or NOT doing things I should say. 

So on Wednesday, when I texted him asking if he'd made any decisions about coming over he said he was playing by my rules, yet again, putting it off on me, and I snapped. 

Did he just IGNORE the part where I said I was sorry and that I really didn't want to be without him and was leaving it up to him? No, he was just punishing me. I'm sure I did hurt him. I'm sure he is tired of all this, and I am too, but when we did finally talk about my new back issues, he said he would be here for me, and I thought to myself..."you mean like you were when I broke my elbows?" Because he wasn't, at all. Not until it was convenient for him to be here. 

One of the things that happened that Monday night when Anne and Vic were here was me having these thoughts after Vic told us about how when Anne fell at work and she called him he couldn't get there fast enough. Since my accident, I have thought many times about how after I managed to get back to my car, and called him, that I asked him...begged him really...to come help me, and is response was, "I'm an hour away". So in horrible pain, and crying I managed to drive myself home then spent the next 6 hours in the ER with my 82 year old mom, who had absolutely no business being there especially with the Covid risk. Hell, he didn't even call me, or even text me. I had to text him and let him know what was going on. Then the next 2 days were the absolute worst trying to figure out how to even wipe my own ass, but he didn't come until Friday afternoon...just like usual. That was also the weekend that I just cried in frustration because his lazy ass just sat there while I tried to prepare dinner and clean up. 

So when I thought about all this, and the new issues at hand, and the way he was punishing me...kicking me when I am down really is more accurate, I snapped.

Oh I've snapped before, but this time was different. I didn't blame him, I didn't tell him what a jerk he was being. I texted him back and told him he was right, I was the problem, not him. I told him I was sorry that he had wasted all this time with me, and this was all my fault, 100%.  He told me I was being an ass hole and a few other really not nice things. I didn't respond. 2 days later when i was on line playing Diablo, he texted me that he would join me. I simply sent him back the texts he had sent me. His response? "I guess I could have worded that differently." Not Sorry...so basically just a different way of saying Fuck You? No thanks. 

Then next morning I packed up all his things and they are currently residing in my car. I haven't heard from him since that last text and I haven't reached out. Truthfully it hurts my heart to think this is really the end. I care for him like I said, I even have love for him and I honestly cant imagine him out of my life. Hell, I have spent 3 years with the man, but I have to remind myself that its been a very hard 3 years and my life is a mess partially because of it. I'm not blaming him for my messes, I am simply realizing that I have a lot of things to fix within myself, both physical and mental, and I don't have room for it anymore. Its too much. Its taken over and the other things have been sorely neglected. The last 2 weeks without him I have been sad, but I'm almost relieved too. I have only myself to be accountable for, and I have only myself to blame if I fail at what looks' to be a very hard road ahead. 

If I thought for a second that I really could fix this between us Id never stop trying, but its been the same thing over and over and its getting worse instead of better. Meanwhile I'm 3 year older, 25 lbs heavier and facing so much stuff with my body that I cant even get my head around it. If he stayed, he would be here for me, but only on the weekends when its convenient for him. He'd still be living a different life until HE is ready to change that, and Ill just keep going down hill and by the time he decides he done with me...or me with him... Ill just be a shell of a human being. I just CANT.

Now I have to figure out how to tell him, and get his stuff back to him, and NOT to go back on it. I've done this so many times its almost a joke at this point, and I'm sure he will feel the same way too. I wish he would just be the one to do it. Id be more than happy for him to think he's the one that walked away. At least that way it would just be over, and no weak moments I may have in the future would mess it up. Maybe he's as sick of it as I am and it wont be bad after all. I hope so for both our sakes.

I am grateful for the time...the good parts, because there were good parts...that I had with R, but its way past time to be over. I wish we could be friends because I know that will be the worst of it for me. I already feel isolated here and that on top of it will be very difficult indeed, but I have to do this for myself. 

I fear I will be alone forever. I fear that I will deeply regret doing this because what if it really IS ME? What if this whole time its been me that has the relationship issues? I think about that all the time. I have to wonder though, are these thoughts about myself engrained in me because of this relationship and the other one...which for all purposes was very similar. I found out after chasing that one for 4 years that it absolutely was NOT me. I just reminded myself of that and it makes me feel like I'm making the right decision all the more.

 I also think about how this has still not ever been like any "real" relationship I've even seen with other people. 3 years in we are still living separate lives. That's never been what I want, and I truly believe that R would be happy doing this forever, or until his "kids" all leave him and he is finally alone. Ironically, if he told me he wanted to move in tomorrow Id say NO. Why? Because I still feel like I don't know him. How can I when I've been separated from his real, main life? I cant, and I've tried to get this across to him for so long its not even worth repeating. 

So here it is. Dead in the water. Ill have to do something soon, if only to get his crap out of my car because I don't want him or his stuff to ever come into this house again, unless over time we are able to gain a friendship and be OK with just that. I know I can hope for that but I seriously doubt that will happen. Maybe its for the best. 

Monday Funday!

 Well the weekend actually turned a corner and ended up being really good. 

After what I would call a very confusing and rocky start R and I finally connected Saturday night and as of right now things are good. I guess that's the way it goes. Ups and downs. I do feel like the core issues we have are never REALLY addressed, but we seem to work around them each time they rear up. 

Is this because neither of us wants to start over again with someone else? Or is it because we do really love each other and want to work things out no matter the cost? I really don't know at this point, but I'm willing to keep on trying - DOING- whatever, Yoda!!! The one thing that's making this harder is that I'm trying so hard to be positive, but R can suck the positive right out of the room. No on purpose, he just fills his mind with politics, news and other very negative things then wants to share them. I don't think he realizes just how much I HAVE to be away from all of that for a while. That was part of the issues over the weekend, which I eventually just chose to ignore rather than respond to. Its work, but its working.

Moving on- Today we get 2 very special visitors! Anne and Vic are coming up from Decatur! It sounds like they live in a different state and the way things have been they might as well be because she's been here since the beginning of November and Vic got here after Thanksgiving and I've only seen her the one time. Not her fault or mine, just the way its been, plus add in my injury and the fact that I'm not supposed to be driving and there you have it. So today will be a special Monday Funday!!!

Anne is really one of my favorite people on earth. I know I've written about her over the years and how inspiring she can be, but its worth saying again. She got here and took ATL by the horns getting a job ASAP and has been working towards her goals already. I thought she would at least take a breath but that's not her style, which as usual, is very inspiring!

I'm focusing on the positive so I will give myself credit for taking the FAA UPE practice test last week and getting a decent score. At least I know the areas I need to study more. 

I had one person - ONLY one - from my former group of clients contact me about work this year, and of course I had to say no because of my elbows. What was strange was that when I told him what had happened in the email, he didn't respond at all. No "wow I'm so sorry that happened" or anything. I wasn't looking for sympathy, its more that I feel like pretty much all of my old clients have moved on to other photographers. 

My whole plan was to go to new places up here in December, although I still don't have any cards to even leave or any promotional material. God I have a lot of work to do. 

I want to be more like Anne in the way she just DOES it. No fear, no hesitation. The reason (or at least the one I tell myself) that I have never gone to new real estate offices up here yet is because I wanted to have new services to offer, like the video and drone stuff. I haven't made progress in those areas so instead of getting some work I got no work. Perhaps the elbows is a blessing in disguise. Making me reevaluate the things I need to do and get to work on them. That and Iden passing. 

As I type this the negative thoughts are creeping in. That all too familiar voice telling me that I've wasted a whole year, that no one is going to want my services since I don't offer those other things. 

Its really hard to shake that demon in my head. Its gotten quite comfortable up there, but I'm cleaning house. Fear is my enemy, and today I am choosing NOT to fear. My demon is telling me that I need to be worried about the interaction between R and my friends coming up. I'm telling it to shut up, and that it will be fine. I hate that I feel like I have to worry about that with R and other people. I need to have more faith in him. I know he's been trying for a long time to get better with social situations, and my hope is that he and Vic really bond. 

Anyway, I'm off to get on the bike again. I did 6 days last week and going for the same this week. 

Another 1%!!