If it seems too good to be true .....

So the Cowboy....yeah...well...too good to be true, so it was a lie.
Internet dating can be risky I know.
I have to say though, my disappointment over this is more than I thought it would be.

Every time I'm away from men in general for a while I develop this thick skin...( yes...over the blubber..) and tell myself I'm happy and fine alone.

Then I meet someone, and all that goes down the drain.
I remember how good it feels to have that attention from a man. How it makes you feel pretty, feminine, special.

You start to think of all kinds of possibilities. A future with another human being. A "real" life...as if a life alone is somehow an unfulfilled existence.

Then, of course, he turns into an idiot, or you find out hes a big fat liar and it all falls apart....AGAIN.
Then the much too familiar feeling..... how it feels to get fucked over. Then I get mad at myself for ever allowing anyone to get back in there.

I wish I knew why I even had the need for male companionship. I honestly wish it would just go away.
I want to feel better about myself despite the fact that I'm with someone instead of because of it.

All part of the re programing I'm doing. I was upset yesterday, and although I'm still disappointed today, I'm OK, and I am going to BREATHE IT IN...AND LET IT GO!!

Refocus on my goal of self brain-washing into a different person. A better, more confident person.
Its funny, honestly most of the time I am a very happy person. It seems like the only times I ever really get depressed is when I get into a situation with a guy.
Sure i miss the human contact...that's what usually gets me in trouble....
So..how to deal with the physical need to be with another person. That's a tough one.
My friends..all of them...are involved with someone in some way so there are no other singles out there for me to hang out with.
This also makes it hard for any of them to really understand where I'm coming from most of the time.
Throw in the Fat Card and its even worse.
I guess I don't need anyone to understand as long as I do.
I just feel very alone today, and while that's pretty much the way i am all the time, really FEELING it is a strange and, well, lonely feeling.
I do love my life though and I appreciate so many things about it.

Oh...The Alli came last night. I took one pill and ate dinner...pizza...not the best choice to start off with as I found out at about 2:30 AM when I was ill for about an hour.
Maybe it will work. maybe it will force me to make the changes necessary for a healthier lifestyle.
then maybe I'll meet the one...( yeah I guess I still want that after all)

DEAL BREAKER

Well the suspicion I had about Rhett has now been confirmed. A comment I put on his My Space page has been erased. Then he emailed me explaining this as he didn't want any "My Space drama", and not to take it personally.

Not take it personally?? Hmmmmm, lets see....
Which part should I ...NOT TAKE PERSONALLY?
The part where you don't want any of your friends to know your talking to me?
Wait...maybe its the part where you have been emailing me and texting me for months about wanting to SEE me and then telling me that no one can find out about it...Ahhh...That must be it.

Well guess what?
DEAL BREAKER!!!
Now here this!!!:
I will no longer allow people to run me over with their needs and wants!
I will no longer accept negative behavior or actions from myself or others!
I will no longer be made to feel bad about myself in ANY situation by others!
I will no longer allow people to take advantage of my generous and kind nature!

NO MORE!!!

*burning bra in protest*

The aftermath

Well, the birthday went great, accept for having to go to work the next day ( I had taken it off but my butt head boos made me come in for a couple of hours for something he messed up) PISSED! I was running on about 3 hours of sleep and a massive hangover. I probably reeked of booze and cigarettes. Nice huh.

Since then life has been basically the same. I haven't been making much of an effort on the weight loss front, but I did make the $70 plunge yesterday into the land of ALLI.
I am referring to it as the gastric bypass pill because it basically makes you ill ( in many fun and stinky ways) if you eat too much.
My thought is it will be like adverse therapy. I eat to much or the wrong thing and *pouf!* sick as a dog rubbing its butt on the carpet!!
What I'm hoping is I will learn its not worth being ill and stinky ( apparently there is a lot of GAS involved...which from what I understand is the same as bypass surgery)
so I will make better choices with food.
Of course the difference is that I can just NOT take the pill if I get sick of it or if I want to dive face first into a steaming hot pizza...mmmmmm cheeeezy goodness.....
but I really think it will help. In any case Ive committed by buying a months supply and since Ive paid for it I will use it.
Also, my friend Gwen is coming into town on the 29th which is about the time when its supposed to arrive,( the magical fat fairy is delivering it in 5 - 7 working days) and I am taking most of that next week off.
That will be a perfect time to set the waters of the Poopy Pill without having to discover in horror that I might mess my shorts at work!!
I am hoping this doesn't happen at all but from what Ive read the side effects are not great.

Funny is it not what length we fat people will go to in order to fit in?
I'm not trying to fit it, really. I just want to be healthy.
Plus I miss men a LOT and unfortunately that does come with weight loss. At least in my experience.
Although, on that note, Sockmonkee has been talking to a Cowboy!
On line ( of course) and he lives in Florida...ironically very close to my friend Gwen!
Anyway, if hes full of crap ( I'll give him on of those pills! HA!) I don't want to know about it because hes making me feel great.
And hes CUTE!
We talk on the phone for hours and instant message at work almost ever day now.
He says hes going to come visit in August.
This is also the time frame that another visitor will be coming in for a landing.
Rhett. yes, that's his real name, which I normally wouldn't use but considering he , nor anyone he know will ever read this blog I feel its safe.
Rhett is a piece of work!
Hes pretty hot on the Muffin scale, and hes a freak *ahem* in private. the only thing that's always bothered me about him is that he always wants to "hook up" and get all freaky...and that's it.
This would be fine...and on occasion has been fine AND DANDY...but he gets all weird too.
I cant explain it but sometimes I feel like he doesn't want anyone to know we are even keeping in touch with each other. This bothers me because it stirrs up all those feelings of anger against people who have liked me or wanted to BE with me but just not in public.
I HATE THAT!!
And I wont put up with that anymore, which is why I have already told him that we will be GOING OUT...IN PUBLIC...and IF I choose to go any further I'll let him know.
I'm not opposed to a hook up with a good friend....the "friend with benefits" is always a good thing when you have been in a dry spell..and honey its been like the Sahara Desert!!!
I just don't want to feel bad about it.
Also, if things continue to progress with The Cowboy he might actually be coming up at the same time in August, and if I meet this guy in person and the sparks fly I'm not going to have anything to do with Rhett.
Sorry Rhett, but after all Tomorrow Is Another Day!!!

Happy Birthday to ME!

So tomorrow is the big day!
37...wow.
Well on a positive note I had an absolute blast with my friends Saturday. The pool party went very well and everyone had a great time. We took tons of pictures, and I for the first time decided to saw the HELL with it about my picture being taken and let it just happen...bathing suit and all!
Now I'm not saying that they turned out great, in fact some were quite scary, but despite that I decided to put some ( not all...I'm not insane ya know!) up on my pictures page on myspace. Yes, I look like a stuffed cabbage in all of them, but screw it. I am who I am and I'm damn tired of apologizing for it!
Ive been scared for ever that old friends or even strangers would see pictures of me that reflect the way I look now and be horrified, or laugh with glee at my misfortune.

I don't care anymore.
I want very badly to be thin, or at least the weight I was before at my "lightest" which was still 75 lbs away from being what i should weight, but I refuse to go into a new year of life hating myself for it.
I'm tired, so very tired of feeling this way. I wish I had a boyfriend that would give me confidence and make me feel attractive, but I don't, and I may never again.
That doesn't mean I'm beaten or a loser, it means I'm single, that's all.
I'm trying very hard to continue on a path of letting it go and moving on.
I catch myself thinking of my past constantly and now I'm making a conscious effort to shut it down.
The more I dwell on it the more power I give it.
I think to prove my point I'll just post a pic or 2 here as well.
No more hiding.
I have nothing to hide anyway. The people I care about the most in my life love me at 100 lbs or 400lbs.
That's enough.
So my wish for my birthday this year ( for the first time in my life!) is not to be thin next year, its to be happy with who I am no matter how much I weigh, or if I'm still single.
Its going to take a lot of work to reprogram my brain but I know it can be done.
My glass is going to be half full from now on damn it!

Closing in

My 37th birthday is closing in on me fast.
I can still remember things, conversations, the way my rooms looked growing up, the way it felt when I was teased for being fat in the 1st grade....and second...and third...and so on....

The time I got on my first horse Tanya and rode bareback into the lake..wow that was a great one!
My second horse Windy, who used to rub her soft velvet nose on my neck when she wanted a carrot! ( oh that one makes me cry!)

Living in my first apartment with Eric and Matt, and Eric leaving me to persue his dreams in Florida. I thought Id die when he left...turned out it would have been better if he'd done that long ago!

Moving in to Roberts house with Beth, and living like a shut in for years, wanting so much to just leave the house and start something on my own but being terrified to step out the door.

Charlie walking into that damn bar the very first time I laid eyes on him...damn....

Brian, the first time he kissed me, then the first time he hit me.

Muffin...oh my...the first time HE kissed me..the first night we sat up doing nothing much *ahem* but talking, and how I felt high on life quite literally for the first time ever.
Theres more, so much more.
I remember all of it so well.

It all feels like yesterday quite literally.

How is it possible that my life has been so long lived yet have been a blink in Gods eye?

I didn't mean to be so negative in that last entry. Well, that's not true, I did mean it, but I'm really not as negative as that comes across.

Right now Id describe myself as stagnant and frustrated. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen. Something good that's going to come along and change my whole life. Maybe a person? Maybe just an event.
Maybe I'll go buy a lottery ticket today! Hee hee!

Money does change things you know. I know its not the be all end all of happiness, but damn...I mean if you don't have to worry about bills or where to get money for clothes, housing cars, GAS for cars, if your going to lose your job..blah blah blah...wouldn't you be a bit more relaxed?
At the very least you could concentrate on the things in life that really matter. Family, friends, health.

Things in my life have been privileged in many ways, and in others not. When I feel cursed all I have to do is look around my lovely house and see all the fine ( material yes but still..) things that I have acquired and admire. The comfort of my home, the strength of my family.

I'm a lucky girl.

Maybe, just maybe if I concentrate really hard on just trying to do one thing, my life will be better. I think that one thing for me needs to be appreciating every minute of my life as it has been gifted to me.

Sounds pretty easy doesn't it. Well its not. ( was that a complaint?)
Id like to do it though just the same. Like snapping a rubber band on my wrist every time I have a negative thought about myself or my life in general.

Would my wrist look like a raw sausage after a few days? HA! Probably! Must be a better way.
I know one thing, as much as I mentally tally all the screwed up things in my life on a daily...no...HOURLY basis, I bet if God snatched it all away from me and said..SEE!! SEE WHAT YOU THOUGHT WAS SO UNIMPORTANT? HOW YA LIKE THEM APPLES? WAIT.....NO!.....NO APPLES FOR YOU EITHER!!!!
Id rethink things.
So what if I'm fat? I mean really? Other than the public humiliation ( which God knows i should be used to by now!) and the lack of attention from men what baring does it really have on my life other that what I MAKE it have?

I always think it stops me from doing anything in life.

Don't apply for that job...your too fat...they wont like you on sight...
Don't buy that colorful shirt...you'll look like the side of a barn!
Don't talk to that guy, why would he even LOOK at you!?
Don't ride your bike in places where anyone can see you! You look fat and stupid!

OK, so some of my "donts" are probably good advise...like the colorful shirt thing...
but the rest?
Yes there are people who would not hire me for being overweight, and there are most definitely men that would look at me cross eyed if I tried to speak to them, and some ass would ride up behind me in a car while I was riding my bike ( this one has actually happened folks!) and honk while screaming "fat ass get off the road!!"

But even if that all happens should that keep me from still enjoying MY life? its MINE and why I let other people take it from me I will never know.

I have a lot of bad habits but I think that's the worst one. Worse that overeating, worse than not exercising enough, worse than drinking too much.

God help me break this ONE habit and learn to love my life and myself in it.

Hate

Every night when I go to bed I tell myself , tomorrow will be the day I begin again, then tomorrow comes and I don't do what I set out to do the night before. I even give myself the pep talk in the morning before work and by the time I get home I let it go and do what I shouldn't be doing.
I hate that I have no self control. I hate that I can't seem to rein myself in. I hate that I have a gym in my house that I'm too lazy to use. I hate that I keep getting useless advise from people that have no idea what I'm going through. I hate that I gained the weight back. I hate that I look at myself in the mirror and feel like vomiting. I hate that the only things I find comfort in are food and alcohol. I hate that I hate so many things. I hate that I am losing the battle. I hate that I have no self esteem. I hate that I feel lousy most of the time. I hate that I have a bad attitude. I hate that I cant seem to find my drive to succeed. I hate dreaming of the way my life could be and doing nothing to make it happen.

I don't hate myself though. I just hate all the other parts to my life.
I guess I'm more of a negative person that Id like to believe.
I hate that.

Savor the flavor

What makes us successful or unsuccessful? Is it drive? Ambition? The way we were raised? Or is it simple luck?
In life I often think that no matter what we do as human beings we are who we are going to be from birth and the only thing we can do to make things better ( or at least different) is learn to appreciate what we have instead of trying to change things. Theres nothing wrong with trying to improve yourself of course, and when you do something that makes you proud or mentally satisfied you feel accomplished and well...different, but we never really change.
That could be the truth, it could also be pure laziness. Change is a hard thing to make happen, which is also a reason I think sometimes we are who we are meant to be, and I happen to be a lazy fat slob! HA!
At least that's what I think many people who don't know me think I am.
I am also a bright, funny, sensitive woman who loves to do things for and with her friends and family. I wish there was a way to give the world those rose colored glasses if for no other reason to see each other as we really are. Good or bad.

I don't know what my purpose on earth is yet, and as I slide into my 37th birthday in the next few weeks I'm left thinking, If I don't know by now, will I ever know?

Life has been patiently waiting for me to figure it out it seems.

I seem to sit back and watch my life rush by me year by year. Each birthday promising myself the next I will be thinner, in a different place, more successful.

Then the next birthday comes, and the next, and but for the exception of a couple of birthdays in my long years I have never seen much change, or been able to hold on to the changes I have so painstakingly suffered to make.
There is some change of course. Age, oh my yes..... Lines grow deeper, places that although always fat ( thus saggy in general) were a bit perkier, and seem to have moved a bit further south, and my future seems dim...well not dim, but not the shining star it once could have been had I the vision to have seen in 20 years ago.

At least I have a future though, and I guess if it never gets any brighter for me, its not so bad as it is.
Who was it that said few of us are destined for greatness, the rest of us are just taking up space.
Well something like that...