Wow, what a weekend. I soooo did NOT stick to anything I wanted to. I didn't do any yard work, I had people over Saturday night and got very drunk on about 1000 martinis, and I ate like a piggy.
*oink!*
But for some reason I don't feel bad today. I mean I drank all weekend and ate and usually I feel like crap on Mondays for overindulging but I don't today.
I feel like I want to take a martini and a good book out on my deck and read while the sun bakes my pasty flesh.
I am going to try and be good this week though. I'm feeling frisky and I'm having a hard time concentrating.
Spring has sprung (finally!) and I'm feeling like I want to be outside but lazy about it. Like I cant wait to plunge my flabbiness into the pool this coming weekend. Ahh yes...the whale is going out to sea!!
Its funny. Ive been visiting BBW sites recently. Contemplating putting my profile up and seeing what happens.I see all these good looking men that say they prefer big women..I mean BIG women too, and I just cant understand it. I think its ugly and gross to look this way and I cant understand how people can have such high self images about their bodies.
I have a guy friend / ex-lover that loves big girls and used to get seriously miffed at me for not wanting him to touch me or see me in anything less than full on pants and long sleeved shirts.
He swears he loves my body the way it is and I just cringe at the idea.
I know they say you have to love yourself before anyone will love you so I'm putting it out there..
I LOVE MYSELF!! I love my personality, and I think I'm a pretty woman. I cant love the fat though. I wish I could.
My lovely lady lumps are just a bit too lumpy for my taste.
I'm trying though, because I really want to come to a place where I no longer care about the teenagers that giggle and stare when i walk into a room. Or the adults that watch me in the grocery store..waiting to see if I go for the fudge section, and seem surprised that I'm shopping in the fruit and veggie section.
The adults...peers even that watch me when i eat. Watch what i put in my mouth.
I hate all of that so much but i wish I could just let it go, because its got nothing to do with who I am.
I don't know, maybe food has always been such a huge ( no pun intended) part of my life I have a hard time A. letting it go and B. letting it go...wait I said that..
ok C. letting it go...
Hmmmmm I think I'm seeing a pattern here.......
I would like to formally divorce myself from the comfort of food!
I'm filing papers! Irreconcilable differences!
But we have to still co-exist, so maybe I will still have a food affair...just keep it on the down low.
I have no idea what I'm saying...I think I need a cracker....
Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
The Crush.
Well I gained 5 lbs this week. How? Drinking and eating anything I wanted...that's how. I have been on quite a tear this past week. It all started out very innocently last Thursday. I was up on time, had been good all week, though had gained back 2 lbs, ( so OK that makes 3 this week and 2 last week)but thought, OK I'm getting serious this week. I packed a delicious salad for lunch and went off to work with a great attitude. I was determined to account for everything I was eating and drinking over the next week, because I haven't really been doing much of that recently.
So about 4:00 I get a text from a friend asking me to go out after work. I thought about it...Id been really good all week, it was beautiful outside, and I thought....screw it what can it hurt? He even offered to buy! A girl cant pass that up!
Next thing I knew it was 1:30 AM and I was driving home.
Friday needless to say, was not a fun day, but I did end up having some friends over that night. One of which likes to stay up very late. We went to bed at 5:00AM!!! Crazy!
I'm OLD I tell ya! I cant do that anymore!!!
Oooof!!
So shot out Saturday, I stayed in bed, not sleeping but not being able to drag my carcass out of bed, and didn't move until about 3:00 when my sister came over to watch a movie. I then showered the scunge of the night before off and attempted to drink a beer...it worked..I felt better.
We then had a beer and cheese fest! I must have put away a pound of cheese nibbles and crackers.
Maybe more..who's counting, right?
I did manage to get to bed at a reasonable hour Saturday night, but Sunday was still feeling shot out.
I think my poor body just gets worn down after a few days of hitting it hard.
So Sunday The Lovely Wife came over with the Muffin and she and I worked on some test recipes for our budding business.
We of course had to have wine while we were cooking and tasting so well, next thing I knew...again...it was 2:00 AM.
Monday I called in sick...I was sick..really...but not sick enough to not shower at noon and order a pizza...damn that Papa Johns.
Gooey cheesey goodness and all just a phone call away!
I also ended up drinking beer later in the day believe it or not.
I get bored at home sometimes, hung over or not and usually when I have nothing to do and don't feel like getting out, I drink. Also, there was the Va Tech thing on TV all afternoon which honestly would drive a nun to tip one or two back!
Tuesday I was OK at work, late getting up and tired feeling but OK. I got yet another phone call from a friend I haven't seen in a while. She was skipping class that evening and wanted to go out for "a drink".
I agreed after mulling it over for a few SECONDS..( yeah, Im a tough sell right?) and once again, after 5 martinis I found myself going hone at 9:15 PM. Honestly that wasn't so bad time wise IF I had gone right to bed. Instead I got home and drank half a beer, listened to music and stayed up until 11:30PM. Getting up yesterday was not fun. Its like after a few days I just run down like a tired old clock.
So I was GOING HOME yesterday...damn it!! I was going straight home after work no ifs ands or big fat butts!
Then my sister called, and wanted to meet for margaritas after work. Well I had to work late ( from missing so much time this week already) and the Mexican place we like is literally next door. ( I can smell the chips fryin' right now!) So I said OK and 2 Margaritas later I was driving home to pass out at 8:00. Which was good, because I am OK today. I finally got a good nights sleep, but with the cheese gorge on Saturday, the food tasting on Sunday and the pizza Monday , not to mention all the drinking in between, here comes the 5 lbs happily planting themselves back on my tummy.....or "the puddin' " as I'm coming to refer to it.
So back in stride today. I'm not going out anywhere this weekend and I'm not having crazy friends over. I'm doing yard work, and I'm sure I will have my usual cocktails but nothing like I do when I am drinking with friends until the wee hours. AND I'm determined to keep track of all of it in the WW site.
We'll see how I do.
I have 126 days until I leave for the beach. I'd like to be 30 lbs..well 35 now.. lighter by then. Its totally doable. That's basically 2 lbs a week.
God what is it that makes me so friggin' weak sometimes? I know what I'm supposed to be doing but its so much easier to slug beer and munch on fatty crusty YUMMY pizza!!
I haven't exercised in a month at least as well. Bad BAD BAD ME!!
I feel terrible about all this but I just have not been motivated. It all boils down to motivation for me, and I just plain don't have it.
What I do have is a crush.
Man if I could just snag this guy , (who I've known for years but just recently developed a warm fuzzy feeling for), I think I would gain the motivation needed to whip myself into shape.
Unfortunately as we all know, usually its the losing weight that makes it possible to snag the yummie boy.
I don't see him often as he works at a bar and I'm trying to stay away from those places!! I may make an exception for him. Hes been out there for a long time and for some reason it just hit me as I was ogling him at the bar over a martini...(made perfectly by him by the way)..I have a crush!!
Its been a long long time since Ive had a crush on anyone for real. The guys Ive dated in the past few years have been a mere blip on the radar that were allowed to land out of boredom alone.
I would love to find out if he likes me but I fear I already know. I mean this guy has seen me fatter than I am now, and a lot thinner too, and at no time did he ever make any sort of move to ask me out.
I guess that pretty much sums it up, but hell, life it about taking chances right? I mean if I don't try how will I ever know?
Anyway, we'll see.
I know I need to concentrate on ME and ME alone.
I like..no I LOVE being alone. Living alone, my ALONE time.
I just think I really miss the crush.
So about 4:00 I get a text from a friend asking me to go out after work. I thought about it...Id been really good all week, it was beautiful outside, and I thought....screw it what can it hurt? He even offered to buy! A girl cant pass that up!
Next thing I knew it was 1:30 AM and I was driving home.
Friday needless to say, was not a fun day, but I did end up having some friends over that night. One of which likes to stay up very late. We went to bed at 5:00AM!!! Crazy!
I'm OLD I tell ya! I cant do that anymore!!!
Oooof!!
So shot out Saturday, I stayed in bed, not sleeping but not being able to drag my carcass out of bed, and didn't move until about 3:00 when my sister came over to watch a movie. I then showered the scunge of the night before off and attempted to drink a beer...it worked..I felt better.
We then had a beer and cheese fest! I must have put away a pound of cheese nibbles and crackers.
Maybe more..who's counting, right?
I did manage to get to bed at a reasonable hour Saturday night, but Sunday was still feeling shot out.
I think my poor body just gets worn down after a few days of hitting it hard.
So Sunday The Lovely Wife came over with the Muffin and she and I worked on some test recipes for our budding business.
We of course had to have wine while we were cooking and tasting so well, next thing I knew...again...it was 2:00 AM.
Monday I called in sick...I was sick..really...but not sick enough to not shower at noon and order a pizza...damn that Papa Johns.
Gooey cheesey goodness and all just a phone call away!
I also ended up drinking beer later in the day believe it or not.
I get bored at home sometimes, hung over or not and usually when I have nothing to do and don't feel like getting out, I drink. Also, there was the Va Tech thing on TV all afternoon which honestly would drive a nun to tip one or two back!
Tuesday I was OK at work, late getting up and tired feeling but OK. I got yet another phone call from a friend I haven't seen in a while. She was skipping class that evening and wanted to go out for "a drink".
I agreed after mulling it over for a few SECONDS..( yeah, Im a tough sell right?) and once again, after 5 martinis I found myself going hone at 9:15 PM. Honestly that wasn't so bad time wise IF I had gone right to bed. Instead I got home and drank half a beer, listened to music and stayed up until 11:30PM. Getting up yesterday was not fun. Its like after a few days I just run down like a tired old clock.
So I was GOING HOME yesterday...damn it!! I was going straight home after work no ifs ands or big fat butts!
Then my sister called, and wanted to meet for margaritas after work. Well I had to work late ( from missing so much time this week already) and the Mexican place we like is literally next door. ( I can smell the chips fryin' right now!) So I said OK and 2 Margaritas later I was driving home to pass out at 8:00. Which was good, because I am OK today. I finally got a good nights sleep, but with the cheese gorge on Saturday, the food tasting on Sunday and the pizza Monday , not to mention all the drinking in between, here comes the 5 lbs happily planting themselves back on my tummy.....or "the puddin' " as I'm coming to refer to it.
So back in stride today. I'm not going out anywhere this weekend and I'm not having crazy friends over. I'm doing yard work, and I'm sure I will have my usual cocktails but nothing like I do when I am drinking with friends until the wee hours. AND I'm determined to keep track of all of it in the WW site.
We'll see how I do.
I have 126 days until I leave for the beach. I'd like to be 30 lbs..well 35 now.. lighter by then. Its totally doable. That's basically 2 lbs a week.
God what is it that makes me so friggin' weak sometimes? I know what I'm supposed to be doing but its so much easier to slug beer and munch on fatty crusty YUMMY pizza!!
I haven't exercised in a month at least as well. Bad BAD BAD ME!!
I feel terrible about all this but I just have not been motivated. It all boils down to motivation for me, and I just plain don't have it.
What I do have is a crush.
Man if I could just snag this guy , (who I've known for years but just recently developed a warm fuzzy feeling for), I think I would gain the motivation needed to whip myself into shape.
Unfortunately as we all know, usually its the losing weight that makes it possible to snag the yummie boy.
I don't see him often as he works at a bar and I'm trying to stay away from those places!! I may make an exception for him. Hes been out there for a long time and for some reason it just hit me as I was ogling him at the bar over a martini...(made perfectly by him by the way)..I have a crush!!
Its been a long long time since Ive had a crush on anyone for real. The guys Ive dated in the past few years have been a mere blip on the radar that were allowed to land out of boredom alone.
I would love to find out if he likes me but I fear I already know. I mean this guy has seen me fatter than I am now, and a lot thinner too, and at no time did he ever make any sort of move to ask me out.
I guess that pretty much sums it up, but hell, life it about taking chances right? I mean if I don't try how will I ever know?
Anyway, we'll see.
I know I need to concentrate on ME and ME alone.
I like..no I LOVE being alone. Living alone, my ALONE time.
I just think I really miss the crush.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Sad Days
Wow, yesterday some idiot killed 32 students and wounded at least 29 more at Virginia Tech. I really don't understand the mid set of people sometimes. What in the name of God would posses someone to do such a thing? I mean if you want to die...FINE kill YOURSELF but leave the rest of us out of it!
I keep thinking of the poor families of these young adults that were going to college to make a better life for themselves. Some of them may have been in love, some of them may have been venturing out into the world for the first time, some may have been dreaming of their life. Career, spouse, family.
All gone in a matter of minutes at the hands of a crazy person.
I do prey a lot and I wonder at times like these why God would allow such a thing to happen. Some of these kids that survived will never be the same not to mention the family's. Its just such a tragedy.
It makes me so very sad with the state of the world when this can happen in the greatest country in the world.
Maybe are freedoms cost us too much. Maybe if this country would be more strict about who can come in to the country to go to college this guy ( who was apparently a legal alien / student from Korea) wasn't allowed to get in the country to begin with? Or what about the guns he had? How did a non American citizen get his hands on firearms and ammunition? It was said he walked into the classroom with 2 guns and a ammo vest chocked full.
I guess its not fair to blame the laws of the country but sometimes its hard not to when you look at other countries that have never, or rarely had this kind of problem. How many times have schools in other countries been victim of their own students killing each other in mass?
If this is not an example of why guns should be illegal nothing else is.
I'm disgusted with this situation and sad.
That's all for today.
I keep thinking of the poor families of these young adults that were going to college to make a better life for themselves. Some of them may have been in love, some of them may have been venturing out into the world for the first time, some may have been dreaming of their life. Career, spouse, family.
All gone in a matter of minutes at the hands of a crazy person.
I do prey a lot and I wonder at times like these why God would allow such a thing to happen. Some of these kids that survived will never be the same not to mention the family's. Its just such a tragedy.
It makes me so very sad with the state of the world when this can happen in the greatest country in the world.
Maybe are freedoms cost us too much. Maybe if this country would be more strict about who can come in to the country to go to college this guy ( who was apparently a legal alien / student from Korea) wasn't allowed to get in the country to begin with? Or what about the guns he had? How did a non American citizen get his hands on firearms and ammunition? It was said he walked into the classroom with 2 guns and a ammo vest chocked full.
I guess its not fair to blame the laws of the country but sometimes its hard not to when you look at other countries that have never, or rarely had this kind of problem. How many times have schools in other countries been victim of their own students killing each other in mass?
If this is not an example of why guns should be illegal nothing else is.
I'm disgusted with this situation and sad.
That's all for today.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Starting New
So I'm starting a personal Chef business with a friend. Its funny that I'm hoping to make money working with the one thing that's caused me so much grief all these years. Hell, I'm a good cook though so screw it. I might as well make some money off my misery!
Its kind of like an alcoholic working in a bar!
The other interesting thing is that the friend is THE LOVELY WIFE of the muffin. A few people have expressed concern about this venture based on the fact that if we are successful, which I believe we will be, one day someone will spill the beans and then what? Will she go ballistic and end the partnership / friendship? I know I'm taking a risk but I think as time goes by that part of my life that involved him will be so far away that hopefully if she ever does find out she will realize it was before she came along and has nothing to do with he and I now.
OR, this could be Karma about to bite me in the ass again.... We'll see.
Its kind of like an alcoholic working in a bar!
The other interesting thing is that the friend is THE LOVELY WIFE of the muffin. A few people have expressed concern about this venture based on the fact that if we are successful, which I believe we will be, one day someone will spill the beans and then what? Will she go ballistic and end the partnership / friendship? I know I'm taking a risk but I think as time goes by that part of my life that involved him will be so far away that hopefully if she ever does find out she will realize it was before she came along and has nothing to do with he and I now.
OR, this could be Karma about to bite me in the ass again.... We'll see.
Friday, March 30, 2007
Friday again
Every week I look so forward to the weekends. The time when i will be able to sleep in, do yard work, and all these house projects that I list that seem to never get done.
I make lists and then on Friday I look at the list..longingly...then I promptly flop down on the nearest horizontal surface and tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. * *said in serious southern drawl**After all...tomorrow is another day!*(Thank you Scarlett)
Then its all over. Monday looms its ugly head and your stuck looking forward to Friday again. I wish I enjoyed things more day to day. That saying..live every day as if it were your last. Bugger!
You think if this was my last day Id be sitting in an office and typing on a computer? *Pff!*
Actually...I am not really sure what I would do...other than perhaps try to get laid..and I mean properly. God I haven't had good sex in soooooo many years its crazy.
As someone who rides the chubby train its not as easy as it is for most people to have sex period, much less good sex. The reasons are not physical, ( I'm damn good in bed....oh my yes!)
its more finding a decent partner. Obviously the choices are less when your a Big Bad Mamma Jamma such as I, but the opportunities are no less frequent. Its the damn choices..ugh...if I could scrape together just ONE good orgasm out of all the sex Ive had ( which granted ain't much) in the last 3 years Id be pushing it!
You never know though, that perfect penis with with the face to match could be lurking..hard...right around the corner!!!
Slut?! Was that a SLUT I heard from the Peanut Gallery? Oh balls! Look, I'm 36, I'm single, and I don't intend to ever be married. The possibilities of having a real relationship at this stage in my life are getting slimmer and slimmer UNLIKE my expansive thighs, which means that when the urge strikes, and the opportunity is there I'm takin' it!!
Who really cares anyway? I mean the best part of men for me is usually when I ask them ...in my sweetest demure southern manner...to please get the fuck out of my bed, then my house, then my life.
Its like a nicely cooked meal. You eat your fill then you throw it out.
Leftovers are never as good....well unless its Italian...Mmmmm Italians....*drooling*
I mean besides, what man doesn't behave this way at one time or another? Really probably quite a bit, especially if hes got anything to offer!
Oh my...I'm becoming a fat...old....MAN!!!
Well at least I still have my hair...
Oh..on another note...I moved the BIG BAR back down again...go ME!
I make lists and then on Friday I look at the list..longingly...then I promptly flop down on the nearest horizontal surface and tell myself I'll do it tomorrow. * *said in serious southern drawl**After all...tomorrow is another day!*(Thank you Scarlett)
Then its all over. Monday looms its ugly head and your stuck looking forward to Friday again. I wish I enjoyed things more day to day. That saying..live every day as if it were your last. Bugger!
You think if this was my last day Id be sitting in an office and typing on a computer? *Pff!*
Actually...I am not really sure what I would do...other than perhaps try to get laid..and I mean properly. God I haven't had good sex in soooooo many years its crazy.
As someone who rides the chubby train its not as easy as it is for most people to have sex period, much less good sex. The reasons are not physical, ( I'm damn good in bed....oh my yes!)
its more finding a decent partner. Obviously the choices are less when your a Big Bad Mamma Jamma such as I, but the opportunities are no less frequent. Its the damn choices..ugh...if I could scrape together just ONE good orgasm out of all the sex Ive had ( which granted ain't much) in the last 3 years Id be pushing it!
You never know though, that perfect penis with with the face to match could be lurking..hard...right around the corner!!!
Slut?! Was that a SLUT I heard from the Peanut Gallery? Oh balls! Look, I'm 36, I'm single, and I don't intend to ever be married. The possibilities of having a real relationship at this stage in my life are getting slimmer and slimmer UNLIKE my expansive thighs, which means that when the urge strikes, and the opportunity is there I'm takin' it!!
Who really cares anyway? I mean the best part of men for me is usually when I ask them ...in my sweetest demure southern manner...to please get the fuck out of my bed, then my house, then my life.
Its like a nicely cooked meal. You eat your fill then you throw it out.
Leftovers are never as good....well unless its Italian...Mmmmm Italians....*drooling*
I mean besides, what man doesn't behave this way at one time or another? Really probably quite a bit, especially if hes got anything to offer!
Oh my...I'm becoming a fat...old....MAN!!!
Well at least I still have my hair...
Oh..on another note...I moved the BIG BAR back down again...go ME!
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Shocked
I was delivered a big blow to my psyche last weekend. Well actually there were 2.
The first one was a week ago when a friend and I met for lunch at Thinking Man. I had my usual salad and you know the bread they give you on the side? Well Id mentioned at the beginning of the meal that I should probably not eat that blah blah, and actually didn't until the end while we were sort of waiting for the check I started to take a bite. Then loudly...I mean LOUD...she said YOU CANT EAT THAT!! and snatched it out of my hand. I was mortified and humiliated. SOOO embarrassed I got in my car and cried. It brought back all those feelings I have been trying to conker for YEARS about eating in public and and people looking at me eating, and WHAT I'm eating.
So then this Friday all the girls were over hanging out and they ordered pizza. Now I had not eaten all day and was drinking of course, and I was going to pick at one piece. I had pulled off a piece and taken one bite when in front of everyone the same girl screamed at me that I cant eat that because I'm on a diet. I spit it out and left the room. The one place I felt safe, in front of my friends..in MY OWN HOUSE..I was made to feel shame about eating a piece of pizza.
The next day I thought about it all day. The humiliation. The sheer feeling of never being able to eat in front of her...or maybe even anyone else, again. Definately not in public again. No way.
I feel like I've just been blown back 10 years.
It sucks.
I'm not saying what she was trying to do was wrong, I know she had good intentions and would never ever knowingly hurt my feelings. She just obviously was unaware of how sensitive I am about that subject. In any case, the damage is done now.
The first one was a week ago when a friend and I met for lunch at Thinking Man. I had my usual salad and you know the bread they give you on the side? Well Id mentioned at the beginning of the meal that I should probably not eat that blah blah, and actually didn't until the end while we were sort of waiting for the check I started to take a bite. Then loudly...I mean LOUD...she said YOU CANT EAT THAT!! and snatched it out of my hand. I was mortified and humiliated. SOOO embarrassed I got in my car and cried. It brought back all those feelings I have been trying to conker for YEARS about eating in public and and people looking at me eating, and WHAT I'm eating.
So then this Friday all the girls were over hanging out and they ordered pizza. Now I had not eaten all day and was drinking of course, and I was going to pick at one piece. I had pulled off a piece and taken one bite when in front of everyone the same girl screamed at me that I cant eat that because I'm on a diet. I spit it out and left the room. The one place I felt safe, in front of my friends..in MY OWN HOUSE..I was made to feel shame about eating a piece of pizza.
The next day I thought about it all day. The humiliation. The sheer feeling of never being able to eat in front of her...or maybe even anyone else, again. Definately not in public again. No way.
I feel like I've just been blown back 10 years.
It sucks.
I'm not saying what she was trying to do was wrong, I know she had good intentions and would never ever knowingly hurt my feelings. She just obviously was unaware of how sensitive I am about that subject. In any case, the damage is done now.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Down but not out
OK ...I had to move the big bar back up...damn it...
I gained 1 pound and that's all it took...DAMN IT!!!!
I guess I could look at this a s a defeat, but I choose instead to make it a challenge. i WILL move that bar down again next Thursday..and this time it will be far enough away from the danger zone to not have to worry about it again.
Why is this so hard?
I admittedly have not been able to get my ass out of bed in the morning since the stupid time change. I hate this tile of year. It takes me weeks to adjust to getting up an hour earlier.
*pout*
I guess that's all I have to say today....DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!
I gained 1 pound and that's all it took...DAMN IT!!!!
I guess I could look at this a s a defeat, but I choose instead to make it a challenge. i WILL move that bar down again next Thursday..and this time it will be far enough away from the danger zone to not have to worry about it again.
Why is this so hard?
I admittedly have not been able to get my ass out of bed in the morning since the stupid time change. I hate this tile of year. It takes me weeks to adjust to getting up an hour earlier.
*pout*
I guess that's all I have to say today....DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!
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