Frustration is setting in.
I come to work every day hoping that its going to be better. Some days it is and some days its like this. I’m sitting here doing nothing. Just like yesterday and the day before.
Already having asked the only person here that I can actually GET work from and being told nope, nothing for you, I’m SOL.
Not the case for Ms. J. She will be arriving in about 45 minutes, and will be busy from the minute she gets here until she leaves, and will likely leave work to be done for the next day.
I’m going to lose this job. I can just feel it heading my way. I’m terrified of being out there aging, in this economy it’s going to be hell.
It took me 3 years of sending out resumes to even get this one, and that was only because my sister knew one of the boss guys who works here.
Why did they even hire someone when clearly I’m not needed? I know why. Despite her claims that she “fought” to have me hired (or anyone) because she was SOOO busy, I think Ms. J is a put on. I think she works on things and does it slowly so she appears to be really busy all the time. Or at least it seems that way, so they thought she might need help. She says it was her idea. That she was the one who asked to hire another person. I wonder. I really do.
Was she not getting her work done? Is that why I’m here? Because for the life of me I just don’t get it.
Id say easily out of the 40 hours a week I’m here, 20 of those are spent milling about making up things to do for myself. 10 hours playing at the computer (like now) and 10 doing actual work.
At my old company when there was nothing to do at least I was alone and not being watched like a hawk by everyone in sight. Here I’m on display. If I’m idle it’s pretty much common knowledge.
I’ve been in fear of them figuring out that I’m really an unnecessary expense since about my second month here, but now I have a real reason. Last week Ms J told me to be careful not to let the big boss man, Mike, know that I wasn’t busy all the time. She said if he found that out he’d think I was not needed and Id likely lose my job.
My first thought. I KNEW IT!!! Everyone kept telling me I was being paranoid, but I don’t think so. Either Ms. J has changed her mind and doesn’t really like me enough to want to keep me here, or she’s figured out that I’m way more efficient than she counted on and really doesn’t need me after all.
Whatever the case, I’m really on edge.
Not only is it just annoying as hell to be bored all day in this place, but to watch her be busy, PILES of work on her desk, and not be given any of it even after asking over and over.….I just don’t know what to do. I mean I’m really trying to be a part of the team here. I want people to come to me with work because they know I can do it. Not wait until J shows up and then have her delegate it out like its some prized gift!
As you can tell, the woman gets on my nerves. For someone who is so sweet to your face I get the feeling she’s as manipulative as they come.
Then again maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not being a team player and my shyness is getting in the way of people getting to know me, thus they don’t feel like I want to be part of the team.
*sigh*
I just wish I could have my old job back but with the benefits, and the work, needed to keep me there. I could have been happy there forever.
I told Sammie this morning in email that if I lose my job I’m just going to go into foreclosure on my house, file for bankruptcy and move to the Caymans’ with him. He can be my sugar daddy!!
I know much of the world is facing grim financial times right now, and I’m VERY thankful that I have this job even if I’m not really happy in it. I don’t want to lose it. I just wish I was able to be a real part of things instead of such an outsider. I’m afraid I’m never going to fit in here and it seems that’s a requirement to stay.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Looking back, and then forward
Every year about this time I tend to go back and look over my calendar and see what my body has been up to in the past year. Meaning have I lost or gained weight. I keep a dry erase calendar in my work out room where I record the daily activities and weight. On the side of it I have marked the start weight and end weight of each month throughout the year, and have kept the month of July up for the past 3 years. You know, just to see what I was doing in years past. What’s frustrating is that from what it looks like, even though I’ve only recently, (as in for 4 months now,) been really consistent and great about my work outs. Including the weight lifting and all that for just the past month now. So it seems that despite that fact I’ve stayed right where I am for at least 3 years.
I lose and gain the same 6 to 8 lbs a week. Losing it by Friday, gaining it back on Monday and gone again by the following Friday. I end up at my magic number about once every couple of weeks or within one lb of it. But I cat break through it.
Strangely I think my eating habits as of late have been worse that ever and I’ve gotten into some old habits that I had long ago dismissed. Like bread. I’ve always loved me some bread, but for years I never kept it in the house, only buying it for special occasions like a dinner party or something. Or even buying a loaf of low fat wheat and it would sit in my fridge untouched for a month or more, until I finally used it up on a random toast morning or something like that.
Lately, however, I seem to be overflowing with it. I took a good survey of my fridge yesterday and discovered not only am I laden with hot dog buns and the like, but I also have had a fresh loaf of sandwich bread in my fridge now pretty much every few weeks. Eating cheese toast or peanut butter toast has become a regular habit.
Also, chocolate.
I used to be a huge sweets fan as a kid. Breaking that habit as I got older and quitting the sugar bug altogether with my one time remarkable weight loss.
I didn’t really pick it up again until recently, and it all started with a chocolate bar I bought that was on sale.
Well, OK, maybe before that I was eating sorbet…chocolate sorbet. Fat free but full of sugar. Also, when Id go to my parents house Id always forage through the pantry for random cookies or chocolate. My dad has the sweet tooth of a 5 year old so there is always something around.
But the candy bar. I haven’t bought a candy bar in YEARS. I mean so far back I cant even remember. Yes, I’ve had candy bars here and there, but I used to get a friend or my sister Beth to buy them for me because I was too embarrassed. That is until about a month ago. I was in Kroger and having a craving. I passed the candy isle as I always do, but this time I stopped. I had to get some gum, and it just so happened that right next to the sugar free gum section was a display of fine chocolates that were on a close out sale. 70% coco, which is a lower calories dark chocolate, and one with cacao bits in it. I bought one.
I put it in my freezer and forgot about it for a week. That is until the weekend when I was buzzed and foraging for sorbet and came across it. I had one piece. An ounce, and it was marvelous!!
I thought, well, its better chocolate than a Hershey bar by far, and its lower in fat, and if I just have one ounce that’s not too bad as a treat now and then.
So the next week I went back to Kroger for my normal weeks groceries, and again while passing the candy isle I spied the same bar on close out sale. I thought, wow, well, these are a great deal and if I’m going to eat chocolate now and then id better get them before they are gone. So I did. I bought 5 bars.
It didn’t feel like I was buying candy though. More like I was buying baking chocolate. 70% coco ya know.
I didn’t gorge on them, but my once in a while treat was becoming an every day treat. The end of my meal at night during the week had a dessert now, and that had not been a habit of mine for many many years.
One ounce, sometimes 2. Calories about 200, and fat I think 8 grams. But add that up and that’s an extra 1400 calories a week. Sometimes more on a weekend when I was feeling frisky.
When those ran out I decided to give myself a real crazy treat. Somores. I haven’t had a Somore in years and thought, oh just this weekend after grilling out.
SO I got the marshmallows, the graham crackers, then Hershey bars. I think it was a Wednesday. When I got through with dinner that night I wanted one right then, so I had 4.
They were sickly sweet and familiar tasting, but really the sweetness was way too much. I ate them anyway and continued to have them every night until my package of graham crackers were gone.
I decided after that not to do that again, and to go back to the dark, less sugary chocolate.
Last week when I went shopping again the dark delicious fancy chocolate that Id been buying was finally sold out. I considered not getting anything, but decided on a different brand and got 2 bars.
Had a piece on Friday night. Eh, its OK. Not the same as the other though.
Also this weekend was spend having high fat foods loaded with carbs and calories. Hot dogs on white bread with chili and cheese Eaten at 3 AM and again Sunday afternoon.
I got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since Saturday. How can I gain 9 lbs in 2 days? Wait, really ONE day.
So I have to stop. I’m destroying everything I do week by week in a matter of 48 hours of overeating and choosing the wrong foods.
I do want to be healthy. I’m sick of myself the way I am , and I know I am going to have to give up things that I enjoy. There’s just no way around it.
I’ve never been a person that can have a little of anything.
For me, one piece of pizza is opened the door to eat crap again.
That’s what happened to me years ago. I had cut out all the bad cap, and when I finally started allowing myself to eat those things “here and there”, my once in a while became every weekend.
Self control. I have very little of that it seems. I’m just tired of being the fat girl in the room. I mean the REALLY fat girl. I don’t think I care anymore if I’m overweight, I just cant be this heavy anymore.
For years I’ve struggled with making myself exercise regularly again, and I really feel like I finally have that back again for good, so its time to tackle the other thing. Food.
I told myself when I started exercising 4 months ago that Id give myself a month and then start slowly chipping away the bad food habits. Instead of that it seems to have gotten worse.
Yep. Its time to jump in with both feet. I’m going to be miserable for a while I know. I just hope I can make myself do it.
We’ll see.
I lose and gain the same 6 to 8 lbs a week. Losing it by Friday, gaining it back on Monday and gone again by the following Friday. I end up at my magic number about once every couple of weeks or within one lb of it. But I cat break through it.
Strangely I think my eating habits as of late have been worse that ever and I’ve gotten into some old habits that I had long ago dismissed. Like bread. I’ve always loved me some bread, but for years I never kept it in the house, only buying it for special occasions like a dinner party or something. Or even buying a loaf of low fat wheat and it would sit in my fridge untouched for a month or more, until I finally used it up on a random toast morning or something like that.
Lately, however, I seem to be overflowing with it. I took a good survey of my fridge yesterday and discovered not only am I laden with hot dog buns and the like, but I also have had a fresh loaf of sandwich bread in my fridge now pretty much every few weeks. Eating cheese toast or peanut butter toast has become a regular habit.
Also, chocolate.
I used to be a huge sweets fan as a kid. Breaking that habit as I got older and quitting the sugar bug altogether with my one time remarkable weight loss.
I didn’t really pick it up again until recently, and it all started with a chocolate bar I bought that was on sale.
Well, OK, maybe before that I was eating sorbet…chocolate sorbet. Fat free but full of sugar. Also, when Id go to my parents house Id always forage through the pantry for random cookies or chocolate. My dad has the sweet tooth of a 5 year old so there is always something around.
But the candy bar. I haven’t bought a candy bar in YEARS. I mean so far back I cant even remember. Yes, I’ve had candy bars here and there, but I used to get a friend or my sister Beth to buy them for me because I was too embarrassed. That is until about a month ago. I was in Kroger and having a craving. I passed the candy isle as I always do, but this time I stopped. I had to get some gum, and it just so happened that right next to the sugar free gum section was a display of fine chocolates that were on a close out sale. 70% coco, which is a lower calories dark chocolate, and one with cacao bits in it. I bought one.
I put it in my freezer and forgot about it for a week. That is until the weekend when I was buzzed and foraging for sorbet and came across it. I had one piece. An ounce, and it was marvelous!!
I thought, well, its better chocolate than a Hershey bar by far, and its lower in fat, and if I just have one ounce that’s not too bad as a treat now and then.
So the next week I went back to Kroger for my normal weeks groceries, and again while passing the candy isle I spied the same bar on close out sale. I thought, wow, well, these are a great deal and if I’m going to eat chocolate now and then id better get them before they are gone. So I did. I bought 5 bars.
It didn’t feel like I was buying candy though. More like I was buying baking chocolate. 70% coco ya know.
I didn’t gorge on them, but my once in a while treat was becoming an every day treat. The end of my meal at night during the week had a dessert now, and that had not been a habit of mine for many many years.
One ounce, sometimes 2. Calories about 200, and fat I think 8 grams. But add that up and that’s an extra 1400 calories a week. Sometimes more on a weekend when I was feeling frisky.
When those ran out I decided to give myself a real crazy treat. Somores. I haven’t had a Somore in years and thought, oh just this weekend after grilling out.
SO I got the marshmallows, the graham crackers, then Hershey bars. I think it was a Wednesday. When I got through with dinner that night I wanted one right then, so I had 4.
They were sickly sweet and familiar tasting, but really the sweetness was way too much. I ate them anyway and continued to have them every night until my package of graham crackers were gone.
I decided after that not to do that again, and to go back to the dark, less sugary chocolate.
Last week when I went shopping again the dark delicious fancy chocolate that Id been buying was finally sold out. I considered not getting anything, but decided on a different brand and got 2 bars.
Had a piece on Friday night. Eh, its OK. Not the same as the other though.
Also this weekend was spend having high fat foods loaded with carbs and calories. Hot dogs on white bread with chili and cheese Eaten at 3 AM and again Sunday afternoon.
I got on the scale this morning and have gained 9 lbs since Saturday. How can I gain 9 lbs in 2 days? Wait, really ONE day.
So I have to stop. I’m destroying everything I do week by week in a matter of 48 hours of overeating and choosing the wrong foods.
I do want to be healthy. I’m sick of myself the way I am , and I know I am going to have to give up things that I enjoy. There’s just no way around it.
I’ve never been a person that can have a little of anything.
For me, one piece of pizza is opened the door to eat crap again.
That’s what happened to me years ago. I had cut out all the bad cap, and when I finally started allowing myself to eat those things “here and there”, my once in a while became every weekend.
Self control. I have very little of that it seems. I’m just tired of being the fat girl in the room. I mean the REALLY fat girl. I don’t think I care anymore if I’m overweight, I just cant be this heavy anymore.
For years I’ve struggled with making myself exercise regularly again, and I really feel like I finally have that back again for good, so its time to tackle the other thing. Food.
I told myself when I started exercising 4 months ago that Id give myself a month and then start slowly chipping away the bad food habits. Instead of that it seems to have gotten worse.
Yep. Its time to jump in with both feet. I’m going to be miserable for a while I know. I just hope I can make myself do it.
We’ll see.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Family Frustration
Ive always been a talker. Ive always been the one in my friend and family group to get things out on the table. Even if the table is already full.
Lately I find myself more and more the only open book of my family. Sure there are some things I keep to myself, but as far as keeping open the lines of communication, I'm there.
This is not usually a problem until you start getting people with hurt feelings and other crap that they just let fester and refuse to talk about.
I get it. Some people aren't talkers. Or maybe they just think that they are right and no one will see their point of view.
I would argue that if not given a chance to hear the problem, how do you know?
Lately I find myself more and more the only open book of my family. Sure there are some things I keep to myself, but as far as keeping open the lines of communication, I'm there.
This is not usually a problem until you start getting people with hurt feelings and other crap that they just let fester and refuse to talk about.
I get it. Some people aren't talkers. Or maybe they just think that they are right and no one will see their point of view.
I would argue that if not given a chance to hear the problem, how do you know?
Monday, July 6, 2009
July...already!
Its July, and that means that more than half the year has gone by already.
It never ceases to amaze me just how fast time really does go by.
I was thinking about that yesterday afternoon as I sat on my comfy couch contemplating when I should pack it in for an early nights rest.
The clock gave me 3 hours until my allotted self imposed bed time, and I thought, you know, I will do this and that and those 3 hours will be gone in a blink.
The same can not , unfortunately, be said about time at work.
Its not that I hate my job by any means. I'm just sort of indifferent about it.
Don't get me wrong, in this economy I'm VERY grateful to have it, and I thank God for it constantly. I guess I just wish there was more to it.
Lets face it, mindless paper pushing was not what I signed up for, and maybe this will develop into more later, but right now its a great big YAWN!
Like where is the photography part going to come in to play? Will I get my own projects? I mean I was hired as a Project Coordinator with the guise of also handling the photography end of things on occasion. None of this has come into play thus far.
OK ok, yes its only been 3 1/2 months. I'm still getting my feet wet in many areas.
I'm riding with it. What else can I do?
I did FINALLY get conformation ...well sort of... today that my requested vacation time will be OK. I was beginning to worry about it seeing as how I gave it to big boss man about 6 weeks ago.
I have to say, I'm looking forward to vacation this year with a fervor that I don't think Ive had yet. I mean yes I always like the beach, the time off, the time with my family. But for some reason this year it seems even more necessary.
I have a strange feeling that this might be our last year together vacationing as a family.
Elise ( sister #2) is becoming more and more irritated with the system that we have as far as who sleeps where and blah blah blah. Shes pissed that she pays as much as my parents do (which everyone does), and never gets the master bedroom. I don't know why this bothers her, but it does.
Shes pissed about a lot of things when it comes to our parents it seems. Mostly because she thinks they don't really do things for her like they do for me or my sister #1, Beth.
I cant explain why there is a difference in this but it is true to an extent. I know their love for us is all equal but she seems very resentful of the "help" mom and dad have given me and Beth.
She got some of it off her chest on me last Thursday, and ever since then Ive been trying to think of a real response to the things she said to me. This is taking some time because after mulling it over a good deal, I think shes wrong to think the way she does, and its really bothering me.
So anyway, with this being my thought, among others like the fact that my mom is now retired and my dad is really worried about paying off their debt before he drops dead, I'm guessing that this really might be the last one.
I guess we'll find out if the house doesn't get booked when were down there.
It never ceases to amaze me just how fast time really does go by.
I was thinking about that yesterday afternoon as I sat on my comfy couch contemplating when I should pack it in for an early nights rest.
The clock gave me 3 hours until my allotted self imposed bed time, and I thought, you know, I will do this and that and those 3 hours will be gone in a blink.
The same can not , unfortunately, be said about time at work.
Its not that I hate my job by any means. I'm just sort of indifferent about it.
Don't get me wrong, in this economy I'm VERY grateful to have it, and I thank God for it constantly. I guess I just wish there was more to it.
Lets face it, mindless paper pushing was not what I signed up for, and maybe this will develop into more later, but right now its a great big YAWN!
Like where is the photography part going to come in to play? Will I get my own projects? I mean I was hired as a Project Coordinator with the guise of also handling the photography end of things on occasion. None of this has come into play thus far.
OK ok, yes its only been 3 1/2 months. I'm still getting my feet wet in many areas.
I'm riding with it. What else can I do?
I did FINALLY get conformation ...well sort of... today that my requested vacation time will be OK. I was beginning to worry about it seeing as how I gave it to big boss man about 6 weeks ago.
I have to say, I'm looking forward to vacation this year with a fervor that I don't think Ive had yet. I mean yes I always like the beach, the time off, the time with my family. But for some reason this year it seems even more necessary.
I have a strange feeling that this might be our last year together vacationing as a family.
Elise ( sister #2) is becoming more and more irritated with the system that we have as far as who sleeps where and blah blah blah. Shes pissed that she pays as much as my parents do (which everyone does), and never gets the master bedroom. I don't know why this bothers her, but it does.
Shes pissed about a lot of things when it comes to our parents it seems. Mostly because she thinks they don't really do things for her like they do for me or my sister #1, Beth.
I cant explain why there is a difference in this but it is true to an extent. I know their love for us is all equal but she seems very resentful of the "help" mom and dad have given me and Beth.
On that note, shes really never asks for help either, and she is financially MUCH better off than either of us are. Even mental support is hard for her to ask for.
She got some of it off her chest on me last Thursday, and ever since then Ive been trying to think of a real response to the things she said to me. This is taking some time because after mulling it over a good deal, I think shes wrong to think the way she does, and its really bothering me.
So anyway, with this being my thought, among others like the fact that my mom is now retired and my dad is really worried about paying off their debt before he drops dead, I'm guessing that this really might be the last one.
I guess we'll find out if the house doesn't get booked when were down there.
It would really be a shame if that happens, but to be honest I cant afford it. I never could. My contribution this year will simply be the fact that I actually get paid for vacation time, but they ( mom & dad) are still footing my portion on the bill for the house and the food and everything else.
I might take a credit card with me and try and pay for my meals, but I'm also really trying to get out of debt myself.
We'll see. It just seems like a doomed tradition right now. Maybe she will feel differently when she has someone to go with her again. Some of that frustration I was being hit with I'm sure is her current personal situation.
I'm just not worried about it anymore for myself. I'm not saying NO I'll never...I'm just saying Its OK if I don't.
Meanwhile, I was a little bad last week toward the end. I didn't get my 4 -5 days in for the first time in months and I feel wrecked about it. Just have to pick up and start over again. Keep on Swimming as Dori would say.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
I need a wrench
In my life it always seems like when something is going particularly well something has to throw a wrench into it.
As of the end of this month I will have been steadily doing the morning treadmill for 3 solid months. 4 to 5 days a week. Pretty great I think. 2 weeks ago I added weights to the party. Every other day I do upper and then lower body weight training. Ever better I say!
That was until yesterday, when my treadmill belt started to slip. I mean REALLY badly.
I mean really?!! Oh no you DIDN'T!!!
After havering it all these years NOW it decides to crap out on me?
OK ok...don't panic....so I go on line and look up replacement belts.
Just so happens that the one I have costs $350..Yes that's right folks. And I only paid $150 for the whole damn machine to begin with!!
After some serious swearing and a few urges to spit, I manage to find what I HOPE will be a suitable replacement, even though its not exactly what is on there now.
$80, OK that I can handle.
Need the instructions separately..OK, I'm sure I can find those on line...
looking..looking....AH HA!
So it seems maybe I can tighten the belt after all. No replacement needed. (maybe).
Tools needed: Allen wrench...2 regular clamp wrenches. Ummm nope, don't have either.
This would have been when I would have gone into the shop at my old job and foraged for what I needed. I forget that my endless supply of tools and repair crap is now gone!
Ace hardware down the street from work...get wrenches (wenches), check.
So now I'm good to go. (maybe)
All I know is, if I get home today and start monkeying around with this thing and make it worse, I'm going to want to break something in half.
Glass half full: it will be fixed as of today.
We'll see.
As of the end of this month I will have been steadily doing the morning treadmill for 3 solid months. 4 to 5 days a week. Pretty great I think. 2 weeks ago I added weights to the party. Every other day I do upper and then lower body weight training. Ever better I say!
That was until yesterday, when my treadmill belt started to slip. I mean REALLY badly.
I mean really?!! Oh no you DIDN'T!!!
After havering it all these years NOW it decides to crap out on me?
OK ok...don't panic....so I go on line and look up replacement belts.
Just so happens that the one I have costs $350..Yes that's right folks. And I only paid $150 for the whole damn machine to begin with!!
After some serious swearing and a few urges to spit, I manage to find what I HOPE will be a suitable replacement, even though its not exactly what is on there now.
$80, OK that I can handle.
Need the instructions separately..OK, I'm sure I can find those on line...
looking..looking....AH HA!
So it seems maybe I can tighten the belt after all. No replacement needed. (maybe).
Tools needed: Allen wrench...2 regular clamp wrenches. Ummm nope, don't have either.
This would have been when I would have gone into the shop at my old job and foraged for what I needed. I forget that my endless supply of tools and repair crap is now gone!
Ace hardware down the street from work...get wrenches (wenches), check.
So now I'm good to go. (maybe)
All I know is, if I get home today and start monkeying around with this thing and make it worse, I'm going to want to break something in half.
Glass half full: it will be fixed as of today.
We'll see.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Tired
I’m tired.
My Dog is sick and I’ve been missing out on a good deal of sleep recently. Besides the general worry, she has a terrible racking cough that keeps her and me up all night.
There’s nothing I can do about it either. She’s old and her heart is just giving out.
She’s made it to 19 years old and I’m thinking she won't see 20. I miss her already. I think when she finally goes I’m going to realize just how alone I really am.
It’s funny how an animal can provide you with such complete companionship without doing anything but being there. My house will be too quiet and my heart will be empty.
Everyone thinks I will get another dog, but I’m not so sure.
When I got Scruffy it wasn’t because I was looking to have a pet. I’d been without pets for a few years and frankly was liking the freedom it allowed me.
But she was different. Coming from another home at age 11 she was known to me from “Scruffy Sitting” a few years before that. The couple she belonged to were named Roman and Chad. They themselves had been together since she was a puppy and she had traveled with them wherever they went, which apparently was quite a few places!
The first time I ever set eyes on her I fell in love! I remember it was a dinner party at their house, and I had sort of invited myself. I came in the door and she was in mid run around the kitchen chasing, and being chased by their other dog Chester. She was a tiny ball of fire and I adored her immediately!
From that time on, when ever Roman and Chad would go out of town I would volunteer to watch her. I never imagined a few years later she would be mine, but she was.
They broke up and she needed a home so I jumped at the chance. I didn’t want a dog, I wanted Scruffy.
Since that time I have adored and doted on her for 8 years, and although I didn’t own her from birth I feel like I have always been her mamma!
She’s a stinky old rotten spoiled little mess of a dog and I think I’m going to break in half when she dies.
No. I won’t want another dog. You can’t replace something like this.
I hope when it comes for her it will be peaceful and at home. I hope I’m there to comfort her and make sure she feels safe. I hope one day I’ll see her in heaven. And I hope most of all that none of this will happen for a long time, but I know better.
So I’m tired, and I miss her already.
My Dog is sick and I’ve been missing out on a good deal of sleep recently. Besides the general worry, she has a terrible racking cough that keeps her and me up all night.
There’s nothing I can do about it either. She’s old and her heart is just giving out.
She’s made it to 19 years old and I’m thinking she won't see 20. I miss her already. I think when she finally goes I’m going to realize just how alone I really am.
It’s funny how an animal can provide you with such complete companionship without doing anything but being there. My house will be too quiet and my heart will be empty.
Everyone thinks I will get another dog, but I’m not so sure.
When I got Scruffy it wasn’t because I was looking to have a pet. I’d been without pets for a few years and frankly was liking the freedom it allowed me.
But she was different. Coming from another home at age 11 she was known to me from “Scruffy Sitting” a few years before that. The couple she belonged to were named Roman and Chad. They themselves had been together since she was a puppy and she had traveled with them wherever they went, which apparently was quite a few places!
The first time I ever set eyes on her I fell in love! I remember it was a dinner party at their house, and I had sort of invited myself. I came in the door and she was in mid run around the kitchen chasing, and being chased by their other dog Chester. She was a tiny ball of fire and I adored her immediately!
From that time on, when ever Roman and Chad would go out of town I would volunteer to watch her. I never imagined a few years later she would be mine, but she was.
They broke up and she needed a home so I jumped at the chance. I didn’t want a dog, I wanted Scruffy.
Since that time I have adored and doted on her for 8 years, and although I didn’t own her from birth I feel like I have always been her mamma!
She’s a stinky old rotten spoiled little mess of a dog and I think I’m going to break in half when she dies.
No. I won’t want another dog. You can’t replace something like this.
I hope when it comes for her it will be peaceful and at home. I hope I’m there to comfort her and make sure she feels safe. I hope one day I’ll see her in heaven. And I hope most of all that none of this will happen for a long time, but I know better.
So I’m tired, and I miss her already.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
39 and Counting
So I'm here. My last year in my 30s. Actually Ive been here for 5 days now so officially I have 300 days left in my 30s.
This is not an easy one for me for some reason. The actual birthday weekend was good though. Crazy, but good.
Sometimes the unexpected surprise in life can turn your head in a direction that you weren't expecting.
This happened to be the case with me on Friday night, my actual birthday night, when out celebrating I came upon a situation that I was certainly NOT expecting.
I will call him D, and I'm pretty sure Ive mentioned him before in this series of tales, but if not, quick background.
Known him for I think going on 10 years now, but not very well until the last few years, and still not as well as his "real" friends know him.
Works in the city as a bartender and is one of the nicest people Ive ever met.
Had a serious crush on him for about 3 years now.
So after a lovely dinner with a great group of friends, I decided to go out for a night cap and ran into D.
Details aside, it ended up being an experience I thought Id never have, and now that Ive had it, I'm left with mixed feelings.
I think my problem is I let myself believe that because this one was soo different, ( nice, sweet, loving) that what was happening was coming from him really liking me. Not from the usual place of hey, were drunk and here, lets go at it.
I was of course, wrong.
SO I spend the remainder of my wild weekend pondering what it is that makes me so unlikeable, beyond the fat.
Maybe it is just the fat, and maybe not.
In any case, Ive upped my exercise and I'm going to work on the food next.
Baby steps for me please, but not so small that I'm still in this position next year when the big 40 is upon me.
I need change.
Its happened a good deal already just from having the new job. Also, I'm going on 3 solid months of consistent exercise in the morning before work.
Last Friday I decided to add 30 minutes of weights to my routine, and today I got up and did it and felt great about it.
Is it like before? The drive I had years ago that pushed me into not eating and working out like a maniac?
No. But its something. Its more than Ive done for myself I years and I'm proud of it.
Is this change because of D?
No. I had this going before the birthday incident, and will not let what he does or thinks about me effect it either way.
Will I be able to keep this up and really make a change?
Yes. I really think I will. Its starting to feel like a normal thing to get up at 4:00 in the morning and work out.
So whats left?
Right now 2 big things are in my way of making any progress. The food I'm eating and the booze I'm drinking.
During the week I'm pretty good with the food part and no booze at all. On the weekends however, its a whole different ball game.
Baby steps. Get the exercise down then chip away at the diet.
This is for life after all, but the thing is while I'm happy with my personal progress its not showing on my body and I feel like I'm losing out again.
Like what if in the last 3 months Id been working on the food too and lost 20 lbs. What would D have done then?
Would that change anything anyway?
One thing I'm sure I wont know. Not from him anyway.
I don't regret what happened, and I'm glad I can feel OK with him and he with me, but the emptiness that I felt had filled up for those moments is empty yet again, and no amount of food will fill that one up.
Happy Birthday to me.
This is not an easy one for me for some reason. The actual birthday weekend was good though. Crazy, but good.
Sometimes the unexpected surprise in life can turn your head in a direction that you weren't expecting.
This happened to be the case with me on Friday night, my actual birthday night, when out celebrating I came upon a situation that I was certainly NOT expecting.
I will call him D, and I'm pretty sure Ive mentioned him before in this series of tales, but if not, quick background.
Known him for I think going on 10 years now, but not very well until the last few years, and still not as well as his "real" friends know him.
Works in the city as a bartender and is one of the nicest people Ive ever met.
Had a serious crush on him for about 3 years now.
So after a lovely dinner with a great group of friends, I decided to go out for a night cap and ran into D.
Details aside, it ended up being an experience I thought Id never have, and now that Ive had it, I'm left with mixed feelings.
I think my problem is I let myself believe that because this one was soo different, ( nice, sweet, loving) that what was happening was coming from him really liking me. Not from the usual place of hey, were drunk and here, lets go at it.
I was of course, wrong.
SO I spend the remainder of my wild weekend pondering what it is that makes me so unlikeable, beyond the fat.
Maybe it is just the fat, and maybe not.
In any case, Ive upped my exercise and I'm going to work on the food next.
Baby steps for me please, but not so small that I'm still in this position next year when the big 40 is upon me.
I need change.
Its happened a good deal already just from having the new job. Also, I'm going on 3 solid months of consistent exercise in the morning before work.
Last Friday I decided to add 30 minutes of weights to my routine, and today I got up and did it and felt great about it.
Is it like before? The drive I had years ago that pushed me into not eating and working out like a maniac?
No. But its something. Its more than Ive done for myself I years and I'm proud of it.
Is this change because of D?
No. I had this going before the birthday incident, and will not let what he does or thinks about me effect it either way.
Will I be able to keep this up and really make a change?
Yes. I really think I will. Its starting to feel like a normal thing to get up at 4:00 in the morning and work out.
So whats left?
Right now 2 big things are in my way of making any progress. The food I'm eating and the booze I'm drinking.
During the week I'm pretty good with the food part and no booze at all. On the weekends however, its a whole different ball game.
Baby steps. Get the exercise down then chip away at the diet.
This is for life after all, but the thing is while I'm happy with my personal progress its not showing on my body and I feel like I'm losing out again.
Like what if in the last 3 months Id been working on the food too and lost 20 lbs. What would D have done then?
Would that change anything anyway?
One thing I'm sure I wont know. Not from him anyway.
I don't regret what happened, and I'm glad I can feel OK with him and he with me, but the emptiness that I felt had filled up for those moments is empty yet again, and no amount of food will fill that one up.
Happy Birthday to me.
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